Da Goddess

May 12, 2008

Pretty Little Distraction

Little Dude felt lots better yesterday, but remained mostly quiet and happy to lounge around, watching movies. Good thing, too, because I ended up in tons o' pain. Weather and too much walking/carrying supplies did me in. As I said though, we watched movies and giggled over general silliness, talked about how special Soldiers' Angels is and what a great job LD did for them on Saturday, and basically enjoyed hanging out together.

I'm such a lucky mom.

On Friday, I took a bunch of quick photos for a friend and the flowers above came from that set. Today they're a pretty distraction from pain and frustration.

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:40 PM | Comments (0)

May 04, 2008

Pickles! I Hate Pickles

I'm in more trouble than I thought. Instead of having to dig myself out of the lens hole by Thursday, I was just informed I have until tomorrow afternoon.

Uh...um...guess I better get out there and find some shelves NOW.

Holy &*$@*&!

Well, I knew this was going to be an issue. I just didn't know it was going to be one so soon. And you know what? I deserve this. I was too eager on my purchase (although it was a necessary one and a damn good deal). I have no buyer's remorse. No, this is more like dread at having to explain myself to someone who doesn't believe in me or what I might accomplish with my camera.

You know, I think that's what makes all of this so "dreadful" for me. I know my roommate doesn't believe in what I'm doing or hoping to do. It's disappointing for me. I'm surrounded by a lot of wonderful folks who DO, but he doesn't. It puts a distinct strain on our friendship. If he were a believer, he'd understand and support me. If he were a believer, he wouldn't be resentful of the time I spend with the camera trying to learn, to improve, to achieve. As it is, we don't go many places together anymore. For him, he feels abandoned when I take off to shoot. For me, I feel trapped in having to keep someone company when I think they should be lost in the music. Makes me wonder how this friendship ever survived to begin with. Maybe he thought the camera thing was "cute" at first, but it's become an issue since then.

Wow, that's more thought on the subject than I've given it in a long time.

I don't feel guilty about my lens purchase (and if you want to know exactly what I got and why it was such a good thing, there's a great review of the lens on eBay). Not at all. I know it was the right thing at the right time, but I know it won't be viewed that way by the roomie. I was supposed to get shelves, dammit. That'll be the sticking point. But I was also supposed to have four more days and could have pulled that off if the parameters hadn't changed without warning.

This is my pickle and it's not a particularly tasty one. Not that I like ANY pickles anyway, but you know what I mean. Figuratively, this pickle is sour and floppy and in the middle of a really yummy burger.

Phhttt.

Oh well. I hear the music. I'll have to pay the piper and I'll do it with my head held high.

Now I have to go get something to eat since I conjured up an image of a big juicy hamburger.

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:23 PM | Comments (0)

Busy Busy Buzz Buzz Buzz

Little Dude and I had a very busy week. He's been working on a report about Jackie O. (his favorite first lady at the moment) and being a super duper helper around the house.

Yesterday and Friday were all about errands, which were largely accomplished. I had to pick up four boxes of festival guides from a friend's house and needed LD to be the muscle. He did an excellent job. It was no fault of his that one of the boxes 'sploded in the trunk of the car. I saw that was inevitable when the box barely made it from my friend's front porch to the car. It happens.

After that, we headed over to Ikea. I've been put in charge of finding some bookcases or shelving of some sort. I have some ideas but I need more muscle than one little boy and a bigger vehicle to get the stuff home once the final decision is made.

By the time we got home Friday night, we were both wiped out. It was TV and snuggles, which was just fine with us. Have I mentioned lately how great a kid I have? If not, let me just say: I have the best kid in the world. Sigh. I'm so lucky. He really is a sweet guy and so much fun to be around.

Yesterday was a late start kind of day. LD slept in until about 10am and we didn't get out of the house until after 1pm. We stopped off at my sister's house where my daughter was just getting around to having her breakfast. Apparently the late start thing wasn't confined to just one household. The kids watched TV while I talked lenses with my brother-in-law. I ended up getting a lens from him and it's freakin' amazing. It's just...it is. So much for the shelving budget. But it was a good investment and a really good deal. I got this thing for a quarter of what I'd have paid if I'd bought it brand new. You can't argue with a value like that, although I'm sure the roommate will (and he should...he really should since that money was earmarked for shelves). I figure I have four days to find my way out of this mess and I'll do it. It won't be pretty, but I'll find a way out of this one.

Now, once we got the lens business done, LD and I had to take a run up to the super huge camera emporium to check out a few items I desperately need. I got three of the six and they were all on the inexpensive side. The three, that is. The remaining items are big ticket items and they'll just have to wait.

From the camera store to Toys R Us. LD brought his own money and got himself a Lego set. Indiana Jones. Oy. Until he sees the movie, he's going to be driving me nuts with questions I can't answer since I haven't seen it either. 17 days, 21 hours, and blah blah blah until it opens. Seems like forever to a kid.

Legos in hand, we traipsed on over to Payless Shoes and I picked up two pairs of shoes to go with some "work" clothes that were early birthday gifts. I can now officially look appropriately attired for photo shoots (the sort that require me to be more professional). Two less things on my super long list of business necessities that aren't actually camera-related. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

Once we finished, it was time to drop my son off at his dad's for a couple days. I came home, took a short nap, and then headed off to shoot a concert/celebrate my birthday a couple weeks early. I'll have those photos edited at some point later today. The show was fantastic and I ran into several people who reinforced my belief that the universe is speaking and I'm actually hearing what's being said. What a wonderful gift -- to be open and ready for opportunities. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I can see how everything fits together. I have a lot of great friends here for helping me get here and I will always be grateful. Always.

I'm going to be a good little worker bee and get busy with my photo editing so I can prove that your faith in me was not misplaced. I may even take a nap again, but only maybe.

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:04 AM | Comments (0)

May 03, 2008

Dazed and Confused

Mrs. Mikey said our favorite patient was being stubborn. Why am I not surprised?

Mikey's had to have a little more sedation because he's not happy when they hook him up for dialysis. Seems he's ripping things out again, things that need to be hooked up. It's that whole medication haze that gets 'em every time. Most patients require a long, gradual weaning from the meds used in deep sedation. And with Mikey, well, he's special. He doesn't like the meds, he doesn't like not having control of himself, he doesn't like not knowing what's happening. That's actually pretty normal, too.

Reports are that when he's awake he knows he was in an accident, but doesn't get how bad it really was. He's also thinking Mini Mikey was with him (she wasn't). All this is part of the battle with the meds and his brain worrying about the family. In a way, it's a really good thing that he's working at coming to grips with reality. He'll get there soon enough.

Once he's properly weaned from meds, he'll be more cooperative and a little less stubborn about his lines and the treatments he's getting. It's nothing that's going to happen overnight and that's just fine. He's alive and getting well and that's just what the doctor ordered.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)

April 30, 2008

Mikey's Post-Op Update

Thank you all again for all of your well wishes!! Your prayers and good juju have been working!!

Mike had a really good day today! He had his surgery on his arm and it went great. He also had his head and neck CT today and the preliminary (reading) looks great. The CT results still need to be looked over by a radiologist before the results are official but again they look good. So the plan for tomorrow is to start to wean him off of the ventilator and the sedation meds. Yah!!! They plan to try to get him to start breathing on his own and get back to consciousness; they are hoping he will be able to be awake tomorrow but they plan to let him make the pace. So I am really hopeful he will be home sometime next week! YAHHHHH!!!!

Anyways, thank you all so very much for helping our little family yet again. We truly are blessed to have all of you in our lives!!

I will update you all as soon as I have something new.

Tomorrow, Little Dude and I are heading down to the hospital. We'll help keep Mini Mikey company and help distract her. She's having a rough go of it this time around. Can you blame her? No kid should ever have to see his or her parents in a coma, let alone twice. Forget that this one is medically induced. The fact that Mini Mikey has held up so well until now is a miracle. Same with Mrs. Mikey. She is undoubtedly the strongest woman I know. But this has to be weighing on her. I can't imagine.

Keep up the kind thoughts, the prayers...all of it.

Posted by Da Goddess at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)

From Mrs. Mikey

First, I would like to say thank you to everyone for all of your support, prayers, and good juju! We couldn’t do this with out your support and love.

Mike is still stable yet listed as critical. He was not able to have the surgery on his arm today. They have it scheduled for tomorrow at 2pm. They will also be doing another head CT tomorrow because he is still very disoriented and they are concerned that he may have a head injury. I was informed today that they found he has a fractured sternum; probably caused by the seatbelt, nothing serious though. Mike’s BP is still a major concern; they are having trouble keeping it in a normal range. At this time there is no way of knowing how long he will be there. I was told it could be any where from 1 week to several weeks it all depends on Mikey’s progress.

I didn't go down to the hospital yesterday. Mrs. Mikey had other friends with her and keeping visitors to a minimum is actually more helpful, I think. Less overwhelming. Anyhow, we did talk on her way to the hospital in the morning and she was rather optimistic. When I called later on in the day, her phone had died (all those calls asking about Mikey, no doubt). I wasn't worried. I knew I'd get an update later on.

Sounds like things are moving along. That's good. It's not major progress, but that's fine. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Right.

Keep on praying, folks.

Posted by Da Goddess at 08:07 AM | Comments (1)

April 28, 2008

Things Could Be Worse

Mikey's accident made the news. What drama! His wife and I teased him about this while we stood by his bed and tried to carry on one-sided conversations with him. Or was it a three-way convo with only two active participants? Hard to tell.

Anyway, here's the latest:

His arm is severely broken. They were talking about doing surgery tonight, but it won't happen until tomorrow.

He's heavily sedated because he's super combative otherwise. He's on a vent again, but without the extra tubes and machines that they had for his head last time, it doesn't looks quite so bad. Mikey was a little agitated off and on while Mrs. Mikey and I were in with him. He calmed down quickly though. Seems like anytime housekeeping was causing any sort of noise with trash, he'd get all riled up. And when respiratory came in, he'd get a bit restless.

Blood pressure is looking good for now. The fluid around the heart and in the lungs is, well, they don't know what that's from. It could be there because he had a shorter dialysis session today or from the impact. Nobody knows.

His left shoulder is a bit swollen from the shoulder belt, but isn't too bad.

They'll be doing more films and such tomorrow, I'm sure, checking to see if his back and head still look good. You never know with these things.

While Amy and I were outside talking and waiting to get in to see him, I thought I recognized someone across the parking lot. I walked a bit closer, then a little closer, and finally I realized I had it right -- two local musicians (who've been very good to me and who have brought good luck my way in the past plus they're proudly using one of MY PHOTOS on their site at this very moment) were smack dab in front of me! It was a surreal moment to be sure, but I took this as a very good sign. If Nate and Ben could magically appear in the parking lot of the hospital, Mikey would HAVE to be okay.

Things aren't nearly as bad as they were last time, but Mikey has a long way to go. Say a prayer, think good thoughts, do whatever you have to in order for Mikey to get well.

I'll try to keep everyone updated as best I can.

Oh, and do me a favor and add a prayer for our friend Gracie who is having part one of her sinus surgery in the morning.

Gotta keep everyone healthy from now on, right?

Posted by Da Goddess at 10:38 PM | Comments (3)

Mikey Hospitalized

Mad Mikey was in a horrible car accident today and is currently in the hospital.

He's responsive to pain, which is good, but otherwise not so much. There's swelling around the heart and lungs, and who knows what else.

I'm on my way down right now. I'll have more details when I return.

Say a prayer for our buddy, please.

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:43 PM | Comments (1)

April 27, 2008

Christos Anesti!

Christos anesti ek nekron,
Thanato thanaton patisas,
Kai tis en tis mnimasi
Zo-in charisamenos!

(Christ is risen from the dead,
Trampling down death by death,
And upon those in the tombs
Bestowing life!)

Happy Easter, everyone. Confused? Don't be.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:50 AM | Comments (1)

April 25, 2008

Email Time Again

From the email inbox comes this query (edited only for length and totally irrelevant convo):

Goddess of the back boo-boo,

How you doin? I'm glad your getting off the pills this week. Does that mean your back to normal? Ha ha no pun intended.

Okay so I'm really writing to find out whatever happened to the matching funds you were getting for the camera? I know you already got it but what are you doing with the extra money?

Well, I'm glad you asked. Here's the dealio -- since all of you were so nice to me, I did get my camera ahead of schedule. I had no idea there were so many folks who believed in me. Big huge thanks to all who made this possible! As for the money that would have been "matching funds", I asked for it to be placed in a savings bond for Little Dude.

Now, it might seem a little crazy not to have taken the cash and invested in more gear (lenses, backup batteries, Photoshop CS3, etc), but after a lot of soul searching, I considered all that LD has had to do without because of my lack of regular income. Normally, I'd be socking away money for college for him, but I haven't had that option the last three years. It made more sense to me to have that money set aside for him while I try to build my portfolio and skill set and get back on my feet.

For now, I do have two people from whom I can borrow lenses, although I don't want to borrow gear for long. I can also transfer files to a friend's computer and work on images there if need be. I do have that option and it makes sense to work with what I have and gradually improve my circumstances this way. And I feel much better knowing there will always be that money for LD in the future no matter what happens with me.

No, I do not have physically have the savings bond. I've put that in the capable hands of my mom. She's been holding all his bonds so there's no temptation to cash them in when times get tough. That's what we've done for the last few years and it works. I don't even know how much has accumulated over time and I'm glad for that. Better to have too much than not enough, right?

The one thing I've come to terms with over the last couple years is that I can't do as much for LD as I'd like. When the opportunity arises, I like to think I've made good decisions. Like this time. I hope you all understand and support this decision. It's what I thought was best.

Posted by Da Goddess at 09:02 AM | Comments (5)

April 18, 2008

Sick Leave

Not feeling so great. Sorry for lack of updates. My back hurts like a mofo and I have limited patience with trying to compose actual words right now.

I shall return.

Promise.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:49 AM | Comments (6)

April 12, 2008

Pleasant Surprise

The last couple of days have been hazy at best. Pain has forced me into a rather inert state, as well as to bow out of a meeting for Soldiers' Angels and a couple of concerts. I'd been looking forward to it all, but this is just the way it goes sometimes.

What I didn't expect, though, was a surprise concert practically on my front porch.

Turns out my neighbors are part of a mariachi band and they'd gone around to all the apartments asking if it was okay if they rehearsed this evening. The roommate answered the door and said it was cool with him. He relayed a garbled message to me about what was happening, but I was too sleepy to understand at the time.

When the music started, I wasn't quite sure if what I was hearing was just a loud stereo or what. Much to my delight, it was live. The horns and guitars are echoing pleasantly down our little pathway between buildings. Sweet notes hang in the air, quickly followed by more and then more. The guitar provides a gentle rhythmic beat that plays softly under the melodic voices that carry a sense warm comfort.

Even as I grimaced with pain, I hobbled to the doorway and watched one of the trumpet players -- in full traje de charro -- stroll from the stairway from the parking lot to my neighbor's door. Part of me wanted to pick up the camera and capture it all, but my back said otherwise. Instead, I've curled up in a slightly more comfortable position on the couch and let the music wash over me.

What's really kind of surreal about the whole thing is that earlier today I'd watched The Milagro Beanfield War and felt a keen yearning of sorts for mariachi bands, dancers swaying, and gold and pink sunsets. Like magic, part of it came to life right in front of me.

I may not be where I planned to be tonight, but I've been given a pleasant surprise that's helped to dull the hard, rough edges of my pain into something a little more bearable.

Music does wonders for the soul...and the body.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:18 PM | Comments (0)

April 09, 2008

Hot Footin'

First my hip started to feel warm and I thought maybe I'd sat on something hot. Nope, that wasn't it.

Then my foot got super warm and I had to look down to see what was going on. Nothing there. Weirdness.

And then it dawned on me. Earth to Goddess...it's the nerves being tweaked. D'oh! Sometimes my blonde roots run deeper than I think.

Felt pretty crappy most of yesterday afternoon. I'd started off so well, too. As soon as I began to move around, it was obvious I hadn't knocked out the pain like I'd hoped. Still, I had a quick shoot to help with very close to home. I hobbled out to the car, got over to the park, played assistant, took a couple photos, and then dropped my friend off at her house. While I was there, we were digging through photos and talking shop, of course. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by intense nausea. WTF? I had nothing to purge myself of, so emesis wasn't forthcoming. It lasted about 10 minutes and then was gone. I've had a bit of a headache and the hot foot thing to keep me company though.

Watching Craig Ferguson tonight, er...last night...and he has a comic on named Clinton Jackson. Guy has a CD called Do You See The Ducks Now? I thought of Mikey, natch.

Got my third update from Little Dude's teacher. Lots of photos and lots of happy little faces to be seen. By all accounts, it sounds like everyone's enjoying the trip. The group heads off to the FBI Academy tomorrow (fine! TODAY). That'll be lots of fun. The day after (4-10) is Arlington and the wreath. LD and I worked on his speech last week and it was good. Really good.

Okay, back to my fascination for the night: Highland cows. Wish I could claim ownership of the photo at the end of that link, but alas and alack, I cannot. Gorgeous creatures, aren't they? Run a search on flickr for Highland Cows and enjoy! Guess I should close the browser and finish uploading and editing my own work, eh? (Just dawned on my why I might like these critters: they remind me of Zach Galifianakis -- if they could only grow more hair.)

Blah blah blah. Whatev.

Vicodin, oh Vicodin, where in the heck is my dear old Vicodin? (I'd totally settle for a muscle relaxer at this point. Means I have to actually move to find either. Or should that be "mooooove"?)

Posted by Da Goddess at 01:21 AM | Comments (2)

April 03, 2008

Apple!

No, sir. You will not casually fling insults about in this home. Not the way you did, not about what you said, not after the day we've had, not after what we heard.

Be an apple in your own space, but not so that LD and I have to deal with your biased and cruel words.

Posted by Da Goddess at 03:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2008

Some Days Are Diamonds, Some Days Are Dirt

Despite the fact I didn't carry the first bagful of clothes to the laundry room, I found myself having to haul a second, smaller bag over. I also made three trips to the apartment so as not to anger my already aching back. So why is it that I couldn't get comfortable after, or sleep without meds?

Today, I'm hunched over and looking like I spent the last week on my knees scrubbing floors with a toothbrush. Maybe it was a combination of that and my long, but leisurely walk on Monday. (I had a meeting and was without a car. It was a good walk, but I felt it deeply the whole way. Oh, and the meeting went very well.)

I had to bow out of picking Little Dude up from school so I could stay medicated and get myself feeling better for his big day tomorrow.

"Another big day for LD?" you ask. Why, yes. Tomorrow night, two of the 5th grade classes are performing in a fantastic play, complete with singing and dancing. They've been rehearsing for a few months. It's about music from every decade of the last century.

But, there's more. Earlier in the day, they'll have the family of a fallen Marine in class. They have a special surprise for the family and the local news crews will be there as well. We'll have a long day ahead of us. Given a choice, I'd rather miss today and be there tomorrow.

With permission from the family, I will share more details about their son and I'll post pictures. Until then, I'm doped to the gills and resting. Plus, all the laundry's done and I'm reading a very cool book written by a fellow blogger who comments here frequently.

Speaking of other bloggers, the Gardenwife has a special favor to ask and it only requires a moment of your time to vote for Sarahbou & Caribou.

Update: I was so dopey earlier, I was throwing question marks around like they belonged in statements and other random spots. Why aren't you folks proofing my posts?

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:51 PM | Comments (6)

April 01, 2008

Sabrina, the Middle-Aged Witch

I'm changing my name and adopting a whole new life. Deal with it. I had to. Especially after an unexpected name change happened without my consent.

I'll no longer be Da Goddess. Just call me Sabrina.

That's all you need to know. Now say hello to my flying musical (natch) monkeys.

Posted by Da Goddess at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)

There's No Fool Like A Fool In Love

Four years ago, it happened. It was the most unexpected and beautiful thing ever.

Three years ago, I wrote this:

Today I lit a candle for you. It was the same one you lit for me exactly a year ago today.

I remember waiting in the airport, leaning against the column, thinking of our first kiss - the kiss I had yet to experience. I looked up in time to see you walking toward me, your hair slightly mussed, eyes looking a little sleepy. You stopped in front of me. You were smiling. You reached out and wrapped your arms around me, pulling me to you. I had to tilt my head back because you're so tall. Remember me telling you how much I like tall?

You looked into my eyes and then we kissed. It was a wet kiss, not unpleasantly wet, just wet. I melted. I'd waited so long, not realizing I'd been waiting.

That's the funny thing about you. I'd waited all my life to meet you and never even knew it until the moment we finally did.

So many things ended and began one year ago. The course of our lives changed, for ill or for good. Some may consider it all one big April Fools Day joke, but it isn't. It never has been.

We've danced our dances and cried our tears. We've laughed 'til our sides ached and we've exchanged angry words. We've kissed and made up. We've said hellos and goodbyes. How many times? Does it even matter? All I know is that I cherish the time spent with you, be it face-to-face, over the phone, or however we've had to make contact. I wouldn't trade this last year for anything.

Today I lit a candle for you. It was the same candle that you lit for me exactly one year ago today.

I lit the same candle today. And there was a brief phone conversation that made my heart sing and ache all at once.

My feet shall run because of you My feet, dance because of you My heart shall beat because of you My eyes, see because of you My mind, thinks because of you And I shall love because of you ~ unknown

Love is good. Even when a romantic relationship ends, love lives on.

Posted by Da Goddess at 08:16 AM | Comments (0)

March 31, 2008

Bee Movie Hijinks

San Diego Momma, whom I have adored since way back when she was someone else and even if she does love Oprah (really, it's the only flaw in an otherwise flawless person so I think I can forgive her this one thing), was telling her bee story and I totally remembered an incident from the desert trip. I could just point you in the direction of SDM's post so you could find out what happened, but no. It's my story, dammit! and it shall be told here as well. And better, too. I use more descriptive-type word things.

On my little desert trip with the girls, we had the top down on the car, right? So, I’m sitting in the front seat, thinking I’m glad I’m not sitting in the back because we all know that’s where the bugs end up. Uh, yeah. I get a very overly-intimate bee who swooshes up past the windshield, flings itself downward, and lands right between my legs. I wasn’t 100% sure it was a bee, but what other flying insect was it really going to be? Not with my luck! So, I calmly don’t move, as in barely even breathing type stuff, and ask my friend Patty to pull over. I then CAREFULLY and slowly (ABC Sports don’t know nothin’ ’bout slo-mo compared to me) lift myself with my arms, which is totally funny in and of itself because I have the upper body strength of a preemie, and as I rise up, a big ass bee wanders across the seat, looks up at me, and yells, “WTF you doin’?” Then he flies off all non-chalant about his fresh behavior.

If I’d had my way, he’d'a been toast. With honey, of course.

It took another 45 minutes before my heart stopped its thunderous pounding and a good (bad) 20 minutes before I could breathe normally. I used to be deadly allergic to bees and it's been long enough since I've been stung that I don't know how I'd have done. Bees are beautiful to photograph and watch as they go about their pollen collecting duties, but I do NOT want one crawling on me, nor do I wish to become so intimate with one that one of its parts enter me in any way, shape, or form, thankyouverymuch.

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:16 PM | Comments (2)

March 26, 2008

Stupid Logic

Do you set your child in the middle of the freeway hoping he'll develop speed and that he'll toughen up? No.

Do you stick your kid's head in the oven so he gets used to desert heat? No.

So why is it that men, in particular, consider subjecting a child to continued bullying at school preferrable to putting the same child in a new learning environment?

There are bullies at every school. That's a simple fact. But if a kid has already spent the last couple years dealing with these little turds, should it be considered running away if his parents enroll him in a school different from the one the bullies attend? I don't think it's running away at all. I think it's giving the kid a chance to learn to like school again, learn to stand up for himself for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones, and find a new group of kids who aren't so sick of each other that they turn mean just because they're bored. The new school will undoubtedly have bullies, but the new kid will be just one of many new kids and not a predetermined target.

Kids who are bullied begin to falter in class. Kids who do the bullying often find other bullies to team up with if given the opportunity and then go pick on familiar victims. Parents who do nothing because they don't want their child to look like a "chicken" are messed up, if you ask me.

A fresh start at a new school can do a lot to boost a child's confidence, don't you think? Instead of being bogged down by an established pecking order, kids can actually find opportunities to develop better strategies to avoiding conflict or build a different persona.

Obviously I'm in the middle of a disagreement with the ex over how to best approach school next year. I have serious reservations about sending Little Dude to the same school with the same kids he's seen every day for the last six years. Why not break the "boreditism" cycle these kids have developed? I'm tired of the little brats who constantly target the nicer kids -- boys and girls -- who choose to behave and who choose to avoid cliques. Little Dude isn't a nerd or a goody-two-shoes. He's just a nice boy. He likes plenty of rough and tumble action, likes to get dirty, likes to run and yell and pretend to shoot guns. He's also a convenient target because he gives people too many chances at friendship.

Also a concern about middle schools next year is the fact that one school is right next to a high school. I'd really prefer not to have those two populations mixing for a variety of reasons.

As the ex and I hash out all the issues, I keep coming back to the single most important factor: LD. What's best for him? A slightly smaller school with more teachers we know, fewer racial problems (but with a more diverse group of kids), consistent test results, and a small group of kids who know him from our neighborhood (as opposed to his dad's) and who will look out for him...that all sounds like a really good start to 6th grade, doesn't it?

I feel as though my ex-husband will fight this to the bitter end, just to be contrary. I don't think he's thought this through beyond the "running away" line of thinking. LD wants to go to a different school. I actually asked if it was more because he doesn't want to face the bullies or if it was something else. He said he wanted to prove he can make it work at a school where he's not worried about "stupid kids" and where he knows other smart kids who like to study and succeed. Yeah, he said that!

Speaking of success, Little Dude has totally turned things around in school the last couple weeks. He's gone from struggling to get through the easiest tasks to getting 100% on tests of all kinds, completing homework in a normal amount of time, and keeping his attitude positive. I have no idea what that glitch was about, but the kid we've always had in the past is suddenly back. My son was actually doing extra credit homework tonight! I want to keep this trend going any way I possibly can.

With this progress, do I really want to throw him into the middle of a busy two-school environment where he could very well languish? Where the known bullies can gang up on him? Where he could get lost in the crowd and be overlooked by teachers? I can't wrap my mind around the thinking behind sending him there when we have other options. Why throw your child into the most challenging arena on multiple levels (not necessarily academically) and expect him to succeed? Why not give him the chance to start over with a will to achieve big things and a more positive outlook because he can focus on the important business of learning?

My son is not a wuss. He prefers not to fight. And I admire this. "I'm a lover, not a fighter, Mom." Wanna guess how long I laughed when I heard that? I didn't even know he knew that phrase.

Look, we spend all a child's early years telling them not to fight, to talk through their differences. Why would we intentionally place them in a situation that guarantees failure in that regard? We shouldn't.

When my daughter went through all the same things, we had a situation that necessitated a change in scenery. She didn't "run away". Is it a guy thing? Or is it a step-parent thing? Why didn't the ex care then? What I saw happen with my daughter was a renewed interest in school, new friendships, and improved grades. She bloomed in her new garden. Why can't that happen with LD?

I don't get the twisted logic I heard from my ex: "If we move him, it's just like running away." No. If we move him, it's saying we believe he can accomplish anything given a safer environment with more friends who think like he does. That's not quitting, that's STARTING down a better path.

I'm not trying to be an overprotective parent. Really. I just want to give my child every opportunity to succeed in an environment that's less chaotic and where he'll have the advantage of at least knowing a couple of kids a grade ahead who have the same mindset and who will also look out for him.

Grumble grumble. Somehow I think this is going to be a bloody battle. Blech.

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:32 AM | Comments (12)

March 24, 2008

Easter, Greetings, and the Whole Kit 'n' Caboodle

What a week that was! Highs, lows, and in-betweens abounded. All worth it, though. From doctors' appointments to the desert and lots of stops in between, it's been an adventure.

I look like a raccoon. I'm covered in bug bites. The really itchy sort. And about 900+ photos. Yeah, I was busy with the camera this week. Got good stuff, got some clunkers, and have lots of editing.

Spent yesterday with the family. Went to my sister and brother-in-law's for supper and had a wonderful time. My folks, my daughter's best friend and her grandparents, my sister's best friend, and Little Dude were there.

My sister had a great meal all prepared. Ham, scalloped potatoes, sweet potatoes, lots of crudites, the works. Cheesecake and brownies. And Easter baskets. More than a few peeps were beheaded, let me tell you.

Brother-in-law noticed the camera and actually was very kind and helpful with it. Can you say "wow!" with me? Much nicer reaction than expected. In the past, he's not been so keen on the idea of me out shooting and possibly making money with it. But yesterday? Different attitude. Probably because there was a glint of recognition that I'm not going after his "market". Regardless, it was nice to have his input and the positive feedback.

Took the kids out to photograph them in various combinations and got shots of them with my folks, too. Haven't done that in a while.

After we finished eating, Little Dude and I had been invited to a friend of some friends' house. There was a band jamming, kids running around (little boys for LD to play with; he was thrilled), dogs, a cat, pigs. I had a nice long laugh when my friend introduced me to the singer, "she's our photographer." His eyes were fixed on my cleavage, his arm snaked around my shoulders, and in a silky smooth voice, he asked, "Have I seen any of your work?" He looked up briefly and then back down, "great boobs!" Now that's what I call a greeting! A girl needs validation like that every now and again. Especially after feeling like a Sasquatch much of the week.

Met many new people and discovered the hostess of the party is also a low back injury gal. And loves photography. The universe speaks again.

Backing up to Saturday, spent the day at the harp fest. Shot so many talented artists, I lost count. Had two very amazing conversations. One was with a harmonica legend. What a gracious man! Then there was a gentleman whose music you've all heard, whether you know it or not. Chances are if you've ever watched TV, especially Nick @ Nite, you've heard him. He was also gracious and more than a little flirty. You can't beat that! Was given a nice stack of CDs to listen to, some to send to the troops, and experienced eight hours of kick ass music. Little Dude was supposed to come with me, but his uncle (on his dad's side) wanted to take him hiking so I said he should go for it. He was a little mad to be missing out on a day of music, but he doesn't see his uncle that often and I thought it was important. This is how I got LD for Easter. I missed having him with me for the fest, but I know he had a great time hiking and we still got to share music yesterday. It worked out just fine in the end.

Earlier in the week, I shot a duo at a dark, little venue. Got to play around with my flash settings and became rather brave about it. One of my new photographer friends was shooting with me and she makes me brave. Her encouragement has done a lot for my confidence and willingness to try shooting more in situations that normally make me quite nervous. Found a new artist that night, which was a wonderful little bonus.

Even earlier in the week, I went with the friend mentioned above and another photographer to the desert for a shoot. I think that was the day that really pushed me, both physically and photographically. The physical side -- let's just say I did a lot of walking and it was a good thing. While the ladies went out further on a trail, I wisely decided I'd reached my limit and remained behind. Regrettably, I missed that part of the shoot, but I was able to find other things to photograph and felt good about the amount of walking/hiking I did. It was more than I thought I was capable of doing, probably more than I should have done, but it felt good while I was doing it and that was a major accomplishment in my book. Photographically, my other friend had shown me how to adjust the most important setting on the camera and once I had that, I was a happy camper.

In a short period of time, I've come to embrace the huge learning curve on the camera, learned a million things, and have found a confidence with it that I thought would take much longer. I don't feel like such a fumble-fingers anymore. Yes, there are more features to Charlie that I will eventually get to understand, but I really feel like I have a good handle on things and am happy. Tired, sore, itchy, and happy.

And now I have to go finish two articles and a calendar.

Photos will be posted at some point this week.

Posted by Da Goddess at 06:10 AM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2008

But Will I Be Able To Play The Piano After?

I have very rudimentary skills on the keyboard. The musical kind. I'm a damn whiz on the computer sort, sometimes.

I'm hoping like hell that somehow, some way, I'll be granted musical gifts of all types when I have my surgery.

YES! My surgery.

But let's stop and review the entire visit, shall we?

The doctor reviewed my MRI results with me.

The very cute surgeon asks me how I'm doing when he walks in the room. He looks at the dark circles under my eyes and that weary, nervous look on my face and says, "um, scratch that, I think I know."

He pulls up the MRI and says there's obvious narrowing around the nerves and, by the way, he asks, what side is worse? I tell him it depends on the day, but mostly the left side is worse than the right.

"Do you have numbness and tingling?" he asks.

"Numbness, tingling, weakness, twitching, pain, and this intense itchy sensation from my hip down to my toes." I reply.

"Hmmm."

Hmmm? WTF is hmmm?

...

I wait for him to say more.

...

"That's what I'd expect from looking at all your films."

And then I start pretending I'm not about to lose it. I fight the tears. I try so hard to avoid crying like a baby. Really, I can do this. I. Can. I. Will. I. Must.

Ri-i-i-ight.

I don't bawl, just tear up a little and shakily say, "thank you. You have no idea what a relief it is to have everything confirmed."

He says he's not sure how I was still walking at this point.

...

...

"Really?"

"Really."

"Wow."

Then he gives me the surgical options. The first involves going in through the abdomen with what's called the Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion. Fancy schmancy. There's a great article describing what they do for an ALIF surgery on Spine Health. There's even a super groovy animation that takes you through the operation. The University of Maryland Medical Center has some good illustrations of the spine before and after the surgery.

Pretty cool, eh?

The other option is a Posterior Lumbar Fusion. According to the doc, this procedure would require a longer recovery and is not recommended. The difference, besides the obvious, is that cutting through the muscles on the back is worse than pulling aside the muscles in the abdomen (and moving my guts all around). Cutting muscle means it has to heal. Muscle, especially in the lower back, doesn't heal very fast. Plus there's a higher risk of epidural injury with the posterior method. And a greater risk of nerve root damage.

I've been reading about this way too much, but I was told to do my homework. So I am. The only problem is that I now have a list of questions a mile long for my surgeon. Some sites advocate one method more than the other, and one has given info on all. My guess is I won't fight the recommendation made by the doc -- the anterior method. He's the one who has to cut, he's the one with the experience, he's the one who has to find a way to move my flab around. I've asked him to remove some of it while he's in there, but orthos don't do that. (Couldn't he sneak a plastics guy in and call it a training mission?)

Surgery isn't likely to happen for a while. The insurance company is going to try to find a way out of this. I'd be willing to bet my kids on it. They're currently pouring over my medical records, from age eight on up, looking for every time I winced or sneezed or fell down. That's what they do. But I'll fight. And so will my attorneys. I've never hurt this bad in my entire life. I've never been so incapacitated. This is something they need to fix. So we will fight.

Of course, once they finally approve the operation, we'll have to schedule it and that could take a while.

A smart blogger would start a pool, wouldn't she? Too bad I'm not one.

No matter what, I'm looking forward to a life without the falls, without the pain, without all the crap I've had to deal with for the last three years. I'll likely spend my summer recovering from surgery, but that's a small price to pay when it means I get to be a real girl again.

Oh yeah, the recovery time is 3-6 months, with 8 months not being unheard of. The first three months are the crucial time when bone growth takes place, ensuring the success of the stability of the spine. After, it's all about rehabbing.

My mom has said I can stay with her the first week I'm out of the hospital. She has a great bed that's a bit higher up off the ground and won't require me to work so hard to get in and out. I'm going to ask about possibly staying at a skilled nursing facility if I need too much help, but I do have my mom's house if I need it.

Cue the choir singing "Oh Happy Day".

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:55 AM | Comments (13)

March 13, 2008

Angering the BTs

I think the MRI pissed off the old BTs yesterday. They've been screaming and fighting for control of my body ever since. In fact, THEY are responsible for my foul mood and any outward displays of surliness.

This would be such a great excuse if I believed in body thetans, wouldn't it?

Scientology absolves one of all personal responsibility blame. I totally understand why some celebs love it so much.

I'm not being religiously intolerant. Not in the least. I don't consider scientology anything more than a very successful marketing ploy, now with more brainwashing!

If I had fewer body aches and nothing more important to do, I might actually have fun joining Anonymous on Saturday. Not that I don't consider this important, but I have other things I MUST do if I'm up and walking. Still, the idea of capturing all activity (check out the pics from San Diego in Feb.) is tempting...

I'm all for religious freedom, but Co$ ain't it. I won't try to speak for all the harm done by those in power at Co$, I leave that to one of my very capable friends. The thing is, this organization is nothing more than a sham, created by a man who wrote sci-fi books and saw the chance to make some serious money. He made plenty. Then he died. But his scams live on. And the crazy mob mentality amongst the leaders has led to some horrifying consequences for too many people. Lives ruined, lives lost. All for what? Money? Power?

It's not just gullible adults seeking belonging who are drawn to this idiocy. Their children are dragged along for the ride. Some escape, some don't.

It's one thing to have FAITH, it's another thing to have to pay for it, to have it ruin lives, to kill.

What started off as a silly throwaway post has morphed into something else. Take away what you will from it. Learn the truth and don't take any wooden nickels.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:44 AM | Comments (1)

March 09, 2008

Elephants and Hippos Were Not Meant To Be Hurdlers

Last night, for approximately 3 1/2 hours, the upstairs neighbors were training hippos and elephants how to become Olympians. In the middle of the flippin' night. Elephants! And Hippos! AT NIGHT!

Then they came outside and were loud, boisterous beings. The people, not the animals. The animals were too tired.

So was I. Now I'm just cranky.

Just another reason I tend to like animals more than I like my neighbors.

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:17 PM | Comments (0)

March 05, 2008

Wednesday's Child is Full of "Whoa!"

Today's horoscope for Taurus:

Don't hesitate to take full advantage of the various opportunities surrounding you at this time. People should believe in you and will want to help you and see you succeed. And you're not likely to want to let them down. You should realize that many of your goals and ambitions could soon be well within your reach.

You just have to make sure that you’re willing to work harder and more diligently than ever before. Just remember to look at every obstacle as one more chance to prove just how capable you really are right now.

And so it stands to reason that today my dad told me he believes in my talents as a photographer.

We spent a couple hours today talking over my plans with photography. He said he and my mom both feel I'm on the right path with this, especially since nursing is, for the time being, out of the question.

He laughed at the birthday card (only two months late) that I gave him. It was one of my photos of Clyde. He loved it.

He asked why I hadn't gone to my brother-in-law for photo advice and I explained how he wasn't thrilled with the idea that non-professionals were out there competing for the same jobs he was. To be really honest, I'm not competing with him for any clients. I'm a niche unto myself. However, there are a myriad of reasons why I won't ask for his help, other than occasional input on gear. I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, there's only so much battering one can take before one learns that lesson. My lesson was learned long ago.

My future is in MY hands.

So is my camera. Yep. Shhh. It's a secret. At least until I finish reading the manual and feel like I know what I'm doing without having to look something up all the time.

Ended up throwing caution to the wind and put the last $100 in myself. I couldn't wait to raise the balance, nor could I wait for my benefactors to return from Europe (where they just extended their trip by 10 days...something about a festival -- it must be nice to be retired and have that kind of money).

I'll post about the rest later. For now, I must take that most deserved nap after I take my Vicodin. I walked too much this morning and carried too many groceries at once.

Whoa! I'm. on. my. way. Really and truly.

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:18 PM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2008

Some People

Once again, I will blame Jodi for bringing this post into being.

She posted about her brother not having any contact with her when he lives relatively nearby. I can fully relate. My comment to her post was this:

My sister lives about 2 miles from me, has one of my precious offspring, and despite being the foremost authority on everything, can't even bother to call and tell me how to live my life anymore.

Some people!

Indeed.

Speaking of precious offspring, there are a couple of situations which required my time and attention.

1) My daughter has come under the influence of a particularly heinous influence at school. No, this isn't about peer pressure. It's a teacher. To be more specific, this teacher has convinced her that Che Guevera is a revolutionary angel and that the U.S. is somehow wrong in promoting democracy as a way of life.

I'd sent her an email with info to help her distinguish between the romanticized version of Che and the reality of him and his actions. The response I got didn't sound like it was written by a 15-year old, even with the carefully placed, infrequent misspelled words. I know my daughter's writing and that wasn't it. Rather, it sounded exactly like something you'd read on indymedia as written by one of those oh-so-carefree spirited activist professors.

What bothers me most is not that Mojo's ideals are skewed to the left at the moment, but that she's not thinking for herself. As I told her, critical thinking, as defined on Wikipedia and by mom, "consists of mental processes of discernment, analysis and evaluation. It includes possible processes of reflecting upon a tangible or intangible item in order to form a solid judgment that reconciles scientific evidence with common sense. It has its basis in intellectual criteria that go beyond subject-matter divisions and which include: clarity, credibility, accuracy, precision, relevance, depth, breadth, logic, significance and fairness." It is also an individual process. Critical thought originates from within. It is not a group activity.

I want my daughter to think for herself, to reason for herself, to come to a conclusion or opinion formed after considering many sources, as well as her own values and ethics. To allow anyone else to put words in your mouth is the same as letting them speak for you, the same as not having your own opinion.

Personally, I often ask trusted friends for their opinions and thoughts on politics, children, cooking, whatever. I listen to them. I take in what they say. I process what I've heard. If I agree, awesome! If not, I examine the reasons why I don't agree and ruminate on that for a bit. Surely, if I trust my friends enough to discuss personal issues or subjects I take personally/seriously, I must also respect their views and consider them carefully before I take my final stance on something, cast a vote, or issue punishment to a child. I asked because there was a question or thought in my mind that wasn't necessarily fully answered or formed. Critical thinking means the ultimate decision or final thought is mine, but I have considered other possibilities, other views; I haven't merely parroted what I've hear someone else say. Mo needs to learn this.

Eventually I will need to sit down with my girl and ask her who wrote the response.

2) Little Dude, who loves analyzing and figgerin', had a major spin out at school. Not sure why it took everyone so long to bring it to our attention ("our" meaning his father and me), but we had the last week of the school trimester to help him catch up.

Doesn't matter that we're all caught up now. He's failed math for the first time. He was missing writing assignments. He took his laid back attitude and applied it in the most extreme way possible.

It took a week of intense scrutiny and assistance to get the boy back on track. This week is the start of the new term, so we have to maintain the pace and intensity.

The math was easy enough to handle once I figured out why he was having such a hard time. We're talking fractions here. I showed him a way to align his numbers so he can see the process and then work the numbers properly. When he lines everything up, he can easily do the work. And we can also see what steps he might have missed. His problem is that he often rushes the last step and then ends up with the wrong answer. Slowing down, writing things out in a linear fashion, he gets it right.

The writing assignments proved to be more of a struggle in that he prefers vague responses to actual well-reasoned and constructed ones. The irony is that he has great writing skills...when he wants to show them.

Case in point, the class was asked to write to the parents of Marine who died in Iraq. Of all the letters, LD's was singled out as the one that most moved the father. From an email to the teacher:

I've been wanting to write to you of late since I completed reading each of the letters written by your students. I enjoyed reading each and every one. Some of the letters stood out as exceptional. However, one in particular stood out as the one that caused an emotional impact upon me. That letter was written by (Little Dude's real name). You might want to single him out either in public or private and let him know that his letter had a profound effect upon me. Thank him for me. If you will. Thank you.

And then there was the week he had off from school (they had a full week for President's Day) that he spent working on his photo essay on Honeyboy Edwards. In addition to the photos, the essay portion required real thought and cohesion. Not only did this child spend a lot of time on the writing, but he was very thoughtful about the acknowledgments/dedication part and he had an interview to include. The interview itself contained some great questions, which impressed more than a few friends of mine from the San Diego Union-Trib. Sure, I nudged him to expand things a bit, but mostly he was interested in the subject and motivated to do a good job. I did need to encourage him to go the extra mile and include a glossary (it was optional), but when I explained to him that many of terms he used required explanation, he did his research and added the glossary. I also told him that one of his new BFFs (a guitarist who performed with Honeyboy at the concert) didn't get that place on stage next to a legend by doing the bare minimum; he got there because he always did his best and then some. By the end of the week, the project was done and it was actually turned in early. Whew. Wish I could say all his other writing homework went so well, but that's simply not true.

I understand why writing isn't LD's favorite thing. It requires effort and thought and care if you're going to do it well. It's also very rewarding. He had great success with the letter to the Marine's family. He had success with his photo essay. Now, we have to convince him to find something exciting and motivating about the daily writing he has.

After last week, I collapsed into an heap of mental exhaustion. This week? According to his dad, after just one day's homework, it's going to be another rough one, but possibly less so. I hope this is the case.

It may sound like I'm whinging a little over the school work. I guess I am, to an extent. More than anything, I'm concerned by how far my son got behind and how his dad and I didn't know. And get this, his dad is actually in class with him one day a week. How could this have escaped us? On one hand, LD has always had our help, but ultimately, this was his responsibility. It was a system that used to work quite well. Unfortunately, something changed and we discovered we needed to be more vigilant.

Our new routine means that we now have to actually witness LD copying his assignments from the board, checking for each book or paper he needs to bring home to complete the assignments, and then check off each item from his list as it's done. We had previously done a version of this, but now it feels more like we're Big Brother-ing him. He doesn't like it. I'm not particularly fond of it. The thing is, though, we have to do it because the old system stopped working.

Until the grades and work habits improve, this is our life. In many ways, it's up to him to earn back our trust and his free time. We're all missing out on some fun, but that's how it goes. For me, it's worth it. Same with his dad. Soon, I hope Little Dude comes around to seeing it our way. Then, and only then, will he get his act together and move back into a less restrictive space.

If I'm not blogging a lot, that's what's going on around here.

Posted by Da Goddess at 11:48 PM | Comments (0)

February 27, 2008

Jello

Can we just chalk this day up as a big "No"? Please?

If it could go wrong, it did. Even if it started off well.

As I later told Little Dude, this is one of those days where you clamp one (or both) hand(s) over your mouth and scream "Jello" as loud as you can. It sure as hell beats crying in front of a teacher. (Me, not him.)

I'm so ready to see what prizes I've won. There would have to be prizes for working so hard to get through a single rotten day.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:23 PM | Comments (1)

February 19, 2008

The Camera, She Is Almost Ready

Thanks to so many generous people, I'm very close to my goal for the camera and the opportunities it will afford me.

My benefactor(s) are currently out of the country for another month, so figured I'd try to get the camera before they return and if they're still looking to help out, use that money for a good lens or two.

I think about the camera and how close I am to my goal and all I can think of is Antonio Banderas whispering in my ear, "the camera, she is almost ready. Ready for you to hold her like a loveeeeeeeer. Treat her like a lady and she will treat you like one, too."

I have no idea where that came from, but there you have it. Think maybe it was the Flexeril? Anyhow...

If you know anyone who might be willing to help out, please send them here! I could actually be out shooting a real, paying job next weekend if I get the last little bit needed.

Many ginormous thanks to each of you who contributed. It feels so very good to know people believe in me. I won't let you down!

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:30 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008

Come On In My Kitchen

You'd better come on in my kitchen
babe it going to be rainin' outdoors

Yes, it's raining and windy and after this front moves out we're due to get Santa Anas. I hate Santa Anas. Dry air, dry wind, dry mucous membranes, no humor, blech. So, I'm gonna sit here and revel in the rainy, windy goodness for as long as it lasts, thankyouverymuch.

Now, on to more important business:

From vd.meish.org or meish.org/vd, whichever you prefer.

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:06 PM | Comments (0)

February 06, 2008

Today's Horoscope

For Taurus:

People in authority are inclined to be well disposed towards you right now, and this could turn out to be one of the best days of the month for you. You should be feeling motivated to climb the ladder of success right now. And your hard work and dedication could be bringing you greater recognition along with a healthy boost in self-esteem.

You could be receiving some financial or material benefits as a result of your efforts right now. And you might be offered greater security or even more money. If you’ve been thinking about asking for a raise, today might not be a bad time for it.

That works for me.

Also noted, Astrological Insights:

New Moon of Change

What do you think? Tonight's New Moon in visionary Aquarius signals it's time for radical change. After all, the energy of Aquarius is that rare breed that makes the impossible suddenly possible, suggesting that a new course of action (in any arena you feel it necessary) not only can - but should be implemented. That's not to say it will be easy - the current placement of practical Saturn in change-weary Capricorn is practically screaming "reality check!" But with the Sun, Moon and Neptune in the sign of the innovator and tonight's Solar Eclipse heightening those energies, there's never been a better time to jump in feet first and transform your life - or the world around you!

Not having any of the astrology charts to consult prior to my bid to find a way to boldly start down a new path, I find it intriguing that much of what I'm reading corresponds with my new goals.

Perhaps it's just a desire to find affirmation in my endeavors, or maybe there's much more to it; it doesn't matter as long as I continue to pursue that which will give me control of my future.

Speaking of goals and changing the course of my life, some of you might have noticed I adjusted my fundraising thermometer. I got yelled at for 1) not considering sales tax and 2) shipping and handling. A friend suggested I consider purchasing my camera from a company in New York. He's done business with them for years -- photography gear, video gear -- and he knows what he's talking about. For once, I'm taking someone's advice and looking at the best deal I can get for the money I'm going to spend.

Many thanks to those of you who have supported my quest. Knowing how close I am to taking charge of my future has made me downright giddy. I've been working on my portfolio, putting together a packet to give to bands (most promising market for me at the moment) as well as a portrait package, and generally ensuring my contracts are in order. Yes, I've had a standard contract for the last two years for jobs that require more than just a couple shots here and there. As I said, I'm serious about this and it takes more than a new camera and big ideas to make it work.

For anyone interested in helping me assemble my portfolio, if you'd like to suggest certain images for me to include, I'd love to have your input.

Laughing Rhino

Flickr

Exposure Manager (the last row of galleries are not my work, so don't suggest those!)

Shoot me an email with your suggestions!

Posted by Da Goddess at 06:27 AM | Comments (0)

February 05, 2008

What The Surgeon Said

It may sound weird to say this, but I was extremely happy to walk out of the surgeon's office today after hearing there's a problem with my lower back. After three years of increasing pain and decreasing function, to finally have someone say there's a real, physical cause to it makes me feel immensely better. It's relief. It's a validation of what I knew was happening.

Three years of asking for help with my lower back. Three years of increasing impairment. Three years of losing my life and my sanity all because the insurance company didn't want to address what was really going on.

I've lost so much because they chose to write off my pain in order to save money. I've gained a lot, too. Most of the gain hasn't been in productive areas, though.

So the surgeon, my sweet surgeon, after looking at new films for two seconds, points out the problem area and explains exactly why I'm experiencing numbness, tingling, weakness, etc. He also notes that the emergency room doc saw the same thing three years ago and laments the treatment (or lack thereof) I received from my primary for this. He orders an MRI and prescribes me more Vicodin, Flexeril, and some Valium (just two of them). The Valium is for my MRI. I don't think I need it, but he says I should take it for this one as I'll have to be very still for much longer than previous scans. Okay. If he says so.

Nerve studies aren't going to be necessary (yay!) because the nerve compression is apparent from xrays alone. The MRI will prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt to the insurance company. Oh, they'll still try to get out of this, I'm sure. But the simple fact is, I didn't have these problems before I got hurt and they've only become worse since then. According to the surgeon, the problem I have is usually not an issue until there's trauma of some sort to set things in motion. Hello! That's me!

I love my surgeon. Love him, love him, love him. Not in some dreamy, romantic way. I love him in a "thank God this sort of doctor exists" way. He was happy to see me and gave me a great big hug when he walked in the room and another one as I was leaving. Did I mention he's good looking, too? Yeah, he is. Makes the whole experience much more pleasant. To be honest, he's the only doctor I've seen in three years who truly seems to care about his patients and acts as though he wants to mitigate their suffering. How can you not love someone like that?

I finally have the proof that my pain isn't in my head (as my primary once said). I have proof that there is a physical cause to what ails me. Now all I have to do is get the MRI under my belt and see what we can do about it. Chances are, there will be a fusion of part of my lumbar spine. I've just spent the last hour researching the info the surgeon told me to google and that seems to be the only answer for pain that's persisted longer than six months. Again, that's me. And I'm totally cool with it. I only want to feel like a real person again and if it takes surgery, by all means, let's do it!

Yeah. I have answers and I'm happy. We can move forward now.

Posted by Da Goddess at 08:10 PM | Comments (2)

February 03, 2008

What Not To Wear

I could easily qualify as a fashion victim on any given day, but today I'm absolutely resplendent in fug. A bucket of fug, if you will.

Picture this, if you will: long-sleeve turquoise v-neck, topped with short-sleeve brown former keyholed neckline (the ring holding it in place broke long ago), and maroon velour sweats. Pretty, eh? And this isn't even the worst outfit I've ever worn. One day I'll have to scan some photos of me camping or on Christmas morning 20+ years ago. You'd laugh, you'd cry, and then you'd gouge your eyes out. Too often I've been a big old bag of wrong.

The thing is, I'm frozen today. It's almost a refreshing break from the fevers, but just barely. I am feeling better today. Not 100%, but better than before. Guess it's because it's raining and we finally got rid of that nasty dry air that set my sinuses off.

Additionally, my roommate left his window open a bit and then left his door open when he took off on his Super Bowl Vegas weekend, which meant all that cold air was blowing into the living room. I've since closed it. It only took me 18 hours to figure that out. D'oh!

So now I'm warming up a little and realizing I need a couple things from the store. I think I'll go without until I'm at my breaking point. Normally, I don't mind going out in the rain, but not today. I just want to be warm.

Aside from this being a typical "at home" outfit, I really would qualify to be on What Not To Wear. Someone needs to nominate me.

Off for a pre-game nap. I'm a tired old gal and I totally deserve my nap.

Posted by Da Goddess at 10:57 AM | Comments (6)

February 01, 2008

Coughy Break

Would you believe me if I told you I'm sick again? Started off Saturday night with a little laryngitis and by Monday, it was full on fever, sore throat, congestion, etc. I've had NO voice for several days now. I've slept a lot, too.

While I'm not anywhere near better, I just woke up feeling like something's changed. Still have a fever. Still coughing. Still congested. But it feels less like I'm going to keel over. I think that's progress. Maybe it's because I finally ate yesterday. Something other than soup, that is.

I had a weird dream while my fever was way up there. I imagined Hillary Clinton was running for president and that she had vague "feel good" ads airing every few minutes on TV. There was even a lightly veiled reference to "new age" in there somewhere. I also had a dream that Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. And Vincent Pastore quit Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, and there was this horrendous dream (nightmare) that Eva Longoria Parker was in an actual movie. Isn't everyone sick of her already? Amazing what delirium does to you, huh?

Time to get back to coughing. I've been slacking off for too long. My ribs were almost feeling normal for a second.

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:02 AM | Comments (2)

January 29, 2008

Cameras, Photos, and Deals, Oh My!

Some extremely nice person wrote to ask me about the photo shoot I just did. While I'm pleased with most of the images, I see where I'm lacking and what I have to reshoot. I was having issues with my camera early on and I was so uncomfortable because I felt extremely unprofessional. No backup camera. Nothing. All I had was a quick fix plan that I prayed would work. It did. But I was still left feeling like I had failed to complete my assignment properly.

When I look at the photos (see link above), I have a few favorites. I'm also picking apart everything that's wrong with them. I can usually critique my own work fairly well, although I tend to pick things apart more than most people would.

So what do I see? Imperfect color balance. Sure, I can do some post-production work on them, but it's not true to life color that I would like. I see digital noise and loss of sharpness due to 1) my camera's limits and 2) aging equipment. It happens with fixed-lens cameras. There's no way to properly clean sensors or between glass. It just can't be done unless you have someone take the whole thing apart (which costs as much as a replacement cam).

I also see a limited field. I can't just pop on a wide-angle lens and compensate for close quarters.

Even with all those criticisms, I am proud of some of the portraits. If you knew this band, and their energy, the little bit of playfulness in a few shots makes perfect sense. I'm proud that I managed to get any of that when I think of how I had to stop shooting to fix my fussy camera. I mean, I lost some of the momentum with the band. I lost the immediacy. They started wandering off. It's not how I operate. Had my camera functioned properly, I would have kept shooting and the guys would have stayed focused and loose. Do those two terms even belong in the same sentence? Well, yes. It's a precious thing that happens when you're on a roll.

Immediate solution to immediate problem: retake the headshots. Maybe borrow a better camera for the group shot.

Longterm solution: get new gear.

I mentioned briefly a while back that I'd had an offer to help me get a new camera. There are stipulations and the like, but it's a viable plan. But only if I have help.

So here's what was offered to me.

I have to raise money -- through donations. All funds raised can only be put toward new gear. I can't pay rent or bills with that money. The whole idea being that a good camera will allow me to earn money to pay for the necessities. All funds raised will be matched, dollar for dollar, by people who believe in my photography. I also have to come up with a print portfolio (which I've started) to show potential clients. I'm responsible for developing my own clients (and I've already had, thanks to this last job, referrals to other bands and to a community events planning board). If I raise more money (coupled with the matching funds) than I need to buy the camera I want, I must use those funds to invest in lenses and other essentials.

Which cameras am I looking at? The Canon Rebel XTi and the Nikon D40x. Both are approximately 10MP and come with a 2GB card and 18-55mm lenses. One offers a bonus 55-200mm lens. If I go through Costco, I'm looking to spend between $650-800 on the camera itself. In store, the price is comparable. I will eventually need to look into more lenses and lighting, but I can likely borrow until then. I'm also looking at other vendors, but few can match the bulk rate discount Costco does. I could drop to 6 or 8MP and spend less, but photography trends dictate the need for better resolution NOW. (I just missed another magazine opportunity because of my puny 3.2MP situation.) I'm approaching this as an investment in my future ability to earn a living outside of nursing. I'm not looking to remain a hobby photographer. And I'm not looking to invest way out of my range because I'm realistic. I know I can work with either camera and produce quality results. If I can manage to do good work with crap, imagine what I can do with better gear! I also want to keep costs down to be able to raise the money needed in a shorter time frame.

I'm serious as hell about making this happen. I don't have a husband to help me out of my current situation. Nor do I have a house against which I could take a loan. I'm not asking for reasons of vanity or entitlement. I want to make life work for me instead of working against me (or feeling as such). I can't wait for my work comp case to settle. I can't wait to win the lottery (I don't even play). I have to make it happen and this is my chance.

As I've mentioned to a few people, asking for help is very hard for me to do. However, I feel some opportunities are worth taking the risk. This is worth the risk.

It's a doable plan, but only if I get those donations. Do you believe in my eye? Do you like what you see? Brother (sister), can you spare a dime?

Update: I've adjusted my goal a bit after being yelled at for not considering sales tax and shipping (I've found I can get a better price on a camera and two lenses by going through a company my friend uses). For once, I'm heeding advice from those who know and those who are interested in me getting the best deal possible. They speak, I listen.

Posted by Da Goddess at 01:08 AM | Comments (6)

January 27, 2008

Da Goddess and the Blustery Night

It's super windy. As in W.I.N.D.Y.

Not unlike the night Winnie-the-Pooh met Tigger. Owl's house is blowing to and fro in the most perilous way. (I'm really glad I live on the bottom floor of this complex.) All the creatures in the Hundred Acre Wood are a little unnerved. (I'm a little unnerved, if only because wind always reminds me of tornadoes.) And Pooh hears something. So he decides to let the strange noise in.

Tigger pounces Pooh.

Tigger: [Sitting on Pooh's stomach] Well, who are you?
Winnie-the-Pooh: I'm Pooh.
Tigger: Oh. Well, what's a pooh?
Winnie-the-Pooh: You're sitting on one.

I don't have any strange noises per se, nor am I Pooh, but I do feel a song coming on. And what a fine song it is.

The Wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs

They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one.

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps
They're loaded with vim and vigor
They love to leap in your laps.
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one
Tiggers are cuddly fellows
Tiggers are awfully sweet
Everyone else is jealous
That's why I repeat
The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Grrrrrrr!

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:57 AM | Comments (0)

Train to Happy Town

Geico has some great commercials. Yes, indeedy, they do. Little Dude and I are currently stuck on the one where the Pips "tell the story" about a woman's accident.

Woman: Blah blah blah blah blah.

The Pips: Ohh ooh, fender bender.

Woman: Blah blah blah

The Pips: Rental car smells like sunshine!

Woman: Blah blah blah blah blah

The Pips: Take a train to Happy Town, woo woo!

...

The Pips: Woo woo...

LD and I amuse ourselves by singing this narrative to one another. Our timing is impeccable. And, really, for him being a kid and me being absolutely devoid of all musical talent, that's a pretty remarkable accomplishment.

As I was dropping him off at his dad's house 12 hours ago, we were singing and laughing and having a good ol' time. I had a board meeting for the blues society, then had a photo shoot with a band, followed by a three band party (send off), and a super bonus surprise of an act. Quite honestly, I had no clue (or at least I didn't remember) this other act was performing in the evening. I haven't been out of the house for three weeks. This was a big day for me. I started off in such a good mood. Had a great time with everything. Really. I mean, I actually danced for the first time in three and a half years. Granted, it wasn't massive booty shaking sort of stuff, but I did get out on the dance floor and move to the music (brought to you by none other than Jack Daniels). One song. One dance. Nothing major. Just fun. I was in Happy Town.

So why can't my foray to Happy Town last more than a few hours? I beg of you to tell me why I must pay for a couple hours of happiness. Why?

I returned home (with a half dozen donuts I'd won in a raffle) only to find my roommate had blocked the door with three big, heavy boxes. I could open the door a few inches. Despite the fact I knew I'd pay even more for it, I mustered all my strength and gradually pushed the door open a few more inches, moved the end table by the door over as much as I could, and eventually squeezed my way in.

WTF?!?!?!!??

You know, the guy goes out to the doctor's office and doesn't return for a day and a half, two days. No phone call or anything. No warning (other than saying he's going to the doc's). Sometimes I can't even pick LD up from school without the car because of this. Fine. I make a call and keep my cool. He needs to blow off steam or go let loose? Fine. I get that. But then I go to an event that he's fully aware of (along with a general time frame) and show up an hour or two late and get boxes in front of the door? And nasty notes? W. T. F.?

All my happy fun feeling runs right the fuck out of me. Gone.

My son acts more mature than this.

Where the hell are the Pips when I need them?

Posted by Da Goddess at 01:10 AM | Comments (2)

January 24, 2008

All I Want For...Um...Today

The minute I saw it, I fell head over heels in love with this delightful, eco-friendly "trophy" from Cardboard Safari. There are three designs and each is available in small, medium, and/or large. Prices range from $14-48.

I've always loved dimensional art. I'm practically swooning over these! Thanks to Chris Jessee and Luis Rodrigalvarez from Virginia for creating such fun art pieces.

From the website:

Cardboard is a 100% recyclable, non-toxic, environmentally friendly product. Our raw cardboard is made locally, further reducing the impact on the planet.

All of Cardboard Safari's animal figures are designed and manufactured in the United States, free from unsafe foreign toxins and waste products

.

Found via George at Design Canteen via his other blog - Project 365 via my big addiction, the fabulous Project Rungay.

All very confusing, I know. But let's just assume I never intended to be predictable. Hey, it's a rainy Thursday and I don't feel well. I take joy wherever I can find it.

Posted by Da Goddess at 09:43 AM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2008

The Upside To Illness

Is there one? Apparently so. No one touches my food, for one thing. Including me most of the time. I've had to force feed myself soup and crackers and such, occasionally regretting it within minutes.

The downside, of course, is feeling like shit and missing Little Dude. He's been at his dad's since I got all fevery and blechy. The kid doesn't need to get this. He did miss school the other day because he had a slight fever, but has thus far avoided the worst of the wretchedness around here.

I slept about 15 hours yesterday and it felt damn good. My fever starting to abate a bit and I don't hate life as much as I did. I only wish I could rid myself of this plague quicker. From what I've seen and heard from others who've had it, I'm progressing at the normal rate.

Totally unrelated to anything sickly, can someone please explain to me how my trackbacks continue to be spammed when I went and shut trackbacks down on every single entry (it was a monster project, but I did it)? From what I can see, the new spam is back dated and back doored somehow. Stupid spammers.

Posted by Da Goddess at 09:08 AM | Comments (2)

January 06, 2008

And So It Begins

They said it would be windy. They said there'd be lots of rain. For the last couple days, none of the predictions had proven correct. Locals kept hoping we'd miss out on the worst of the worst, at least until after the Chargers won their game.

Well, the Bolts won and a few hours later, it's here.

The wind blew my front door open. It's become gradually cooler. And the rain is coming in a little more steadily with each passing moment.

Rancho Bernardo, where I used to live, and one of the communities hit hardest by the October fires had 1.51 inches of rain from today's storm. Most places got around an inch, with lots more expected overnight.

I think tomorrow should prove very interesting. If there's power (yep, it's flickering already), I'll attempt some photos or something.

Posted by Da Goddess at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)

December 30, 2007

Memory Lane: The Old Vet & Da Goddess

One of my favorite posts from, uh, a while back, I wanted to give it another shot at daylight because I've been thinking about Murray a lot lately. Just before I moved, I went looking for him and couldn't find him anywhere. I feared the worst, prayed for the best, and found out (through one of his many local merchant pals) he'd been in the hospital for a while. His trips around the neighborhood are less frequent, but he's still going. Yay, Murray!

As this year comes to an end, I wanted to remind myself why every year -- good or bad -- matters in the long run.

There's an older gentleman that I see almost every time I head out during the day. His name is Murray. And he's quite a character.

Murray is "86 years young this year," he says. "I'm a Marine. Retired, of course. Still a Marine. I'll be one til the day I die. Next to marrying my lovely Jeanne, it was the best decision I ever made in my life."

We've spoken on many occasions. I see him in restaurants and grocery stores. He always stops to say hello. He knows everyone in every shop in the three strip malls that run together in our neck of the woods. He walks from store to store, greeting each employee, every single day. He catches a couple shifts on his rounds. You see, he starts right after breakfast and continues on past dinner.

"These folks are like family. I know who's happy or sad. I know what who'll give me the first smile most days. This is what I do. I'm a people person. It's what keeps me from getting old. Well, that and knowing that at least one of my neighbors will need something from the store."

I asked him once about his wife.

He smiles and chuckles a bit. "She has her activities. She doesn't mind me being out and about as long as I don't bring another lady home with me."

I know about his children and his grandchildren. He's so proud of them all. Murray's pride and joy, though, is his son - a Marine Corps chaplain.

We sat and talked about his son's service in the Marine Corps. I asked him if he worried about his son being deployed and possibly injured or killed.

Looking me straight in the eye, he said, "I'm proud of that boy! He didn't have to become a Marine. Hell, he didn't have to become a chaplain either. He was called to it. He told me that. I believe it was his decision and I respect that. There's no finer calling than serving your fellow man, whether it be in the fight for Freedom or against the evils that man does. Sometimes those two things are one, sometimes they're not. Either way, I know my boy is out there helping those in need of guidance or comfort. He knows the risks and prays that his Lord might need him to help someone. He has faith that God will lead him where he's needed most. I can't argue with that. It's his calling."

Watching Murray speak, I could see his eyes light up. I asked if he missed the Corps.

"It's in my heart, young lady. It always will be." He smiled broadly and nodded his head. "I was part of history, you know. Just like our men and women who are out there today. We fought with the hope that we could make the world safer for our loved ones back at home. Keep the evil off our front porch. That's what those kids are doing now. The difference is, with all this new-fangled technology, danger creeps closer to our doors without us even knowing it. It happens while we sleep. It happens even though we're vigilant.

"Another thing that's different is that we used to think that getting rid of Hitler would keep evil away forever. I guess we didn't so much think that as much as we hoped that would be the case. Nowadays we know that there will always be people who don't play by our rules. You know, the rules of respecting other people even if they're different.

"My oldest daughter, she's one of those different ones. That's sort of another story though."

I asked him what he meant.

"She's gay," he replied. "In some countries that's a serious crime. She could be killed because of it. It's not what I would have chosen for her, but that's what was in the cards for her. Some people here don't like that. I don't pay them much attention. I just say a prayer each morning and every night that folks let her be. She's happy. She has a family. She has someone who loves her. Someone she loves right back. They've been together longer than my other daughter and son have been with their spouses. My other girl, well, she's been married three times. It's not what I would have chosen for her either. It's not my choice though. All my kids have the right to live as they choose. I fought for that, you know."

He sat there quietly for a few minutes, looking like he was about to say something else. Finally he sighed and shrugged. "That's how it is."

"I know what you mean," I replied.

Murray looked up at me and said, "you know what gets me? They're trying to ban flag burning again. That's silly. I fought for people to be able to do that, as crazy as it seems that anyone would want to do it. It's their right. I think it's horrible, but I know we can handle some charred scraps of cloth. We're strong! We can survive. As a country we can withstand the ashes. What we can't survive is buildings crumbling to the ground because of some crazy men halfway around the world thinking our way of life is wrong. We can't survive with all those people dying in burning buildings."

"What about the people who say that we're sending our children off to die in other countries in battles we have no business fighting?" I asked.

"Pure rubbish!" He practically yelled. "We've lost fewer people in this war than in any other. Some of these damn folks who yell and carry on about all the dead don't seem to get it. They don't understand that people will die no matter what we do. It's better to fight and die than to sit around twiddling our thumbs while the world goes to hell all around us.

"Look at those people in Afghanistan or Iraqistan who go out to greet our military folks with tears of joy and flowers and hugs! Those are people who understand that freedom is better than waiting for death to show up on their doorsteps. They know! They know. They know better than anyone sitting here in their comfortable houses with their air conditioning and refrigerated food. We pay more for food and vet bills for our pets than some of those folks overseas ever see in a year. They're the ones who get it. Not these people who have king size beds, the ones who shop at Ikea and Sears. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn't know."

I offer to buy Murray a cup of coffee and he declines. "These people around here make sure I never go thirsty. I told you, they're like family."

I had to laugh. You can't argue with that.

We sat and talked a bit longer about his children and his life in the service, but he was getting fidgety.

He reached out for my hand and gave it a squeeze. "I enjoyed talking with you today, but I have to finish my rounds now before the next shift comes in. I'll see you again real soon, you know."

I know, Murray. I know. I look forward to it.

"Keep that little man of yours busy, okay?" he called as he walked off. "Tell him I said 'Semper Fi!'"

Of course, I will.

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:56 PM | Comments (2)

November 30, 2007

Get Up, Stand Up

Boy, it pays to stand up for yourself. After all the crap yesterday, there's been a bit of progress made.

Apparently the mere thought that I would do something so ridiculous as holding his keys until I got rent money made the roommate rethink his position. I'm not getting all the money for rent, I will be getting most of it. (I have no idea where the rest went.) While he was off sulking and whatever else in his room, I placed the keys on top of a note next to the computer. I simply stated, in the note, that he repay Little Dude the money he owes him (don't even ask...this was a major beef a couple months ago and his actions were completely unacceptable on every level) and to bring in all our stuff from the car. Next thing you know, I got a sort of apology and a promise that adequate notice would be given before he vacates. Oh, and the money (partial) for rent.

I don't think this would have happened if I hadn't held on to those keys. It seems like a "stunt" ultimatum, but if you knew this guy, you'd understand how it was the only thing he'd get. Some people.

Posted by Da Goddess at 04:57 PM | Comments (1)

November 29, 2007

While I'm On A Roll...

I was just emailing back and forth with a friend and he mentioned feeling more like a broken angel (after I called him one -- an angel, that is) and you know, that's exactly how I feel anymore.

I feel like I'm breaking more than I fix. For every step forward, it's at least two steps back.

I had the perfect job when I got hurt. I mean, it was THE PERFECT JOB. I'd finally found where I belonged. It challenged me like no job I'd ever had before. My passion for nursing was given a turbo charged injection of knowledge and skills that I felt completely ready to tackle. I was THERE. I was completely there for every shift. Mentally, that is. It all clicked. And then I got hurt and it was all taken away from me.

Worse than the disappointments I've faced are the ones my son has had to face for the last (almost) three years. I feel like I'm taking my kid's childhood away from him with all this. He shouldn't have to deal with a broken mom. Wondering if we'll ever be able to do all the fun things we used to do. Wondering if he'll ever know for certain, day to day, what to expect. Wondering what'll happen with our home.

While I was at my deposition last week (yes, finally had one), I told all this to the attorney for the insurance company. I told him if the insurance company had acted responsibly and provided me treatment sooner, I wouldn't be in the shape I'm in right now. (Apparently he agreed and is requesting they get me in to see a surgeon ASAP.)

Part of me wishes I could redo that night. But if I did anything differently, I'd have been doing less than my full duties as a nurse.

I wish I could have back all those days I lost with my son. Thankfully, my daughter is in a good situation and, as a teenager, she's oblivious. It hasn't bothered her at all. Yet, I see what this has done to Little Dude. I see it in his eyes. I wish I could take all that sadness. loss, and fear away for him. No child should have to struggle as he has.

If wishes were fishes, we'd never go hungry, I guess.

I'm mad. I'm sad. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Posted by Da Goddess at 09:20 AM | Comments (1)

Payment Due

Major bitch below. Read at your own peril.

I'm fuming mad. I've never been as angry as I am right now.

You know, you help someone out because you're a nice person. And there's a cool reciprocity to the situation. Physically, I needed help. Financially, he was strapped for the time being. Until he could get his cash flow in the black, he had a nice warm place to stay, food on the table, and all amenities. As soon as the money came in, he'd pay me. He also had some physical problems at the time, so it seemed like a good idea. Sort of a Wimpy/Popeye thing. That was always the understanding. One hand helping the other. At least, that's what you'd THINK.

I should have known better. I've been burned on this one before. I never seem to fucking learn, though. But, damn. I operate on the belief that each person should be judged separately, not by the actions of others. That's the way it should work, right?

Y'see, my roommate for the last year and a half is skipping out on rent and other bills. If you figure the actual cost of things, and the amount he's actually contributed over the last 18+ months, there's still a debit in his column. And he's not gonna make good on it.

Right now, we're deadlocked and we're both pissed. He told me to stay off his computer until he leaves. I don't think so. I'm paying the damn Internet bill. He wants to leave and I have his car keys. Kinda hard for him to exit without that. He says he should have left while I was off house sitting. Yeah, sure...but then when would he have had time to rifle through my belongings AGAIN?

Am I totally wrong on the car keys? Am I wrong to expect someone to make good on their word? And what the fuck am I going to do? After I pay my phone and cable...and if I don't pay the electric bill, I'm still short a good $1100 for rent. That's without food for my son. That also leaves us without a car for me to get him from school or drop him off. My car, by the way, he drove whenever he could and he was the one driving it as it fell apart, mostly because his car was parked "too far away". But hey, whatever. At least I got to drive his after mine died. He's also responsible for $1500 worth of tickets on the thing while it was still running. Did he pay for those? Nope.

When we moved into this place, he knew he had an obligation to make good on the finances. And, to be honest, he did contribute. But he knew there was more he still owed. Lots more. The whole point of our arrangement was so neither of us would end up out in the cold. No desperate situation for anyone. Except he changed the rules of engagement. I am livid. I'm at a loss here.

I feel betrayed, cheated, duped, desperate, and totally screwed over.

I'm sick of cowardly people. I'm tired of being Little Miss Welcome Mat. In some ways, I know I'm more trusting than I should be. I'm afraid to go to sleep now. I'm afraid to go to lunch with my mom. She's been after me to go for a week and now I don't feel like I can leave. Could someone just kick me in the ass...hard? I couldn't feel any worse than I do right now.

Posted by Da Goddess at 05:52 AM | Comments (3)

November 09, 2007

Have You Hugged A Vet Today?

Well, have you? If you can't physically embrace a veteran at the moment, reach out with an email or a phone call and let them know you care.

I know of a local family who was celebrating the return of their loved one from Iraq this weekend. Driving out to school to pick up Little Dude, I spied a technicolor sign attached to a street sign. It said, "Welcome Back From Iraq! We Missed You!" Indeed, welcome back.

Little Dude and I are sitting here watching a Band Of Bloggers, which features our own Doc in the Box, Sean. It's been a real eye opener for LD to hear the actual stories from someone he knows. Yeah, he's heard some before, but this has been much more vivid because he's seeing Sean -- and all our military friends -- in a different light because of the similarity in the stories he's hearing all gathered in one place.

Recently, LD had his great aunt and uncle visit his class at school. Both are retired Marines. It was a rare opportunity for most of the kids to hear about the WACS and the WAVES, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, and the life of a drill instructor. Real people, real history. How many of us ever really get a chance like that?

Like so many of our friends, our lives have been deeply touched by those who serve, have served, and their families. Thankfully, we know more veterans who are still alive and that's something we don't ever take for granted. None of us should. Too many families can't say that. And yet, they maintain their pride in the service of their beloved and for their own sacrifices. Yes, the families give much while their loved ones are often far from home. It's not easy and we should never forget this.

Thank a vet today. Tomorrow. The day after that. Do it every day. They deserve at least that much from us, don't you think?

Posted by Da Goddess at 08:00 PM | Comments (3)

Friday Thoughts

Forgive my temporary absence once again. My ears are still bleeding, but only a little now. Why? I'm recovering from the first of the horrific ToysRUs holiday commercials. Maybe you've been tortured by the same one...a mom calls out to her kid that it's time for bed and the moppett appears, only to screech at a pitch most suited for dogs, "raiseyourhandsifyouthinkweshouldgetmoretoys". At least, that's what I think she says. Honestly, there's no pause between words. There's no inflection. There's no...there's nothing that makes this even marginally a watchable ad. And then....and then! And then her mom opens the damn TRU catalog. I can't decide who irritates me more.

The worst part of the whole thing is one would imagine this commercial is THE BEST TAKE out of God knows how many. Yes, this was the ad ToysRUs purposely chose for the start of their holiday advertisments.

What the hell were they thinking?

In other news, I took a nasty fall this afternoon. I picked Little Dude up from school and we stopped off on a couple errands. My lower back has been bothering me something awful for a week or two, but it wasn't too bad today. I got out of the car, went to take a step, and my foot went totally numb. Just that little bit of movement rubbed on a nerve the wrong way or something. When my foot came down, so did the rest of me. My knee, shin, ankle, and foot are a rather interesting color and hurt like a motha! I'm actually considering a trip to the hospital if it doesn't look better in the morning.

Adding to the good news ('cause that's what I do, right?), I got my penultimate check from the insurance company today. I have one more for $500 coming in two weeks and then I'm stuck in a holding pattern until depositions and settlement talks bring about some sort of conclusion. I'm scared shitless. I can't get state disability (injury was over two years ago). SSI is still pending. Food stamps only cover food, natch. So I don't know how the hell I'm going to keep a roof over our heads until we reach a settlement.

"But, why don't you just go get a job, DG?" you ask.

Didn't you read that part about the fall? Yeah, that's a regular part of my life. The insurance company has been denying my lower back claim and things have progressively worsened. I don't know from one day to the next if I'll be able to walk or not. Sometimes I'm good for a week or two. Sometimes I'm down for a week or two. Kinda hard to find anyone willing to hire someone who can't guarantee actually showing up for their job. Then there are all the limits I have based on the upper back injury. That's what did me in with my former job. I'll never go back to regular nursing with those restrictions.

So, panic has officially set in. I'm anxiously awaiting, yet also dreading, the deposition and the other stuff. The ins. co. can drag this out indefinitely if they so choose and I'll be stuck without any income whatsoever.

Little Dude happened to hear a conversation about the money situation a couple weeks ago and he's gone into freak out mode. I keep forgetting he's taken up casual eavesdropping as a hobby now that he's 11. I thought he was safely ensconced in our room, playing with toys. Nope. I've had to reassure him that things will work out somehow, but I think he senses my own uncertainty. Faith. Just gotta have Faith.

Friends suggested I find myself a sugar daddy. I considered it briefly. Then I laughed. It's not that the idea was a bad one, but it's just not gonna happen. I'd have better luck marketing myself as the Broken Back Hooker in Reno. And that ain't gonna get me more than a few bucks either. Maybe.

On the plus side, there's always the fact that I haven't ever finished unpacking since our move. That would make it much easier to move again if we get evicted. And there's the fact that LD is easily and cheaply amused. Hey, gotta look at things in a positive light, right? Right.

Okay, off to watch TV with my kid. We're having hot dogs and mac and cheese, the perfect white trash repast.

Posted by Da Goddess at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)

October 29, 2007

San Diego County Wildfire Stats

• Witch Fire – 197,990 acres – 95% contained - $13 million - 39 firefighters injured and two civilian fatalities
• Harris Fire – 90,440 acres – 75% contained - $11.9 million - 21 civilian and 34 firefighter injuries, and five deaths
• Poomacha Fire – 49,540 acres – 65% contained - $7.2 million - 20 firefighter injured
• Rice Fire – 9,472 acres – 100% contained - $4.9 million - Five firefighters injured
• Horno/Ammo Fire – 21,084 acres – 100% contained - six firefighters injured
• Wilcox Fire – 100 acres – 100% contained - Cajon Fire – 250 acres – 100% contained
• McCoy Fire – 300 acres – 100% contained
• Coronado Hills Fire – 250 acres – 100% contained

Most people are being allowed to return to their homes. Those who lost homes, in many cases, are beginning the recovery process. Some areas do remain evacuated, such as in Rancho Bernardo, where residents of La Terraza apartments still cannot return to survey the damage. Sadly, there's not a comprehensive list of current evacuated sites, not even from CalFire. News sites haven't updated evacuation info for days. Go figure. Apparently it's only news fit for broadcast.

After the glut of non-stop news the first couple of days, we've been reduced to dribs and drabs of information during the day. We used to have one or two local 24-hour news stations (essentially, re-broadcasts of earlier news programs) here, but they've gone the way of the dinosaur. It's at times like these that we need at least one station to provide current news at any given time. With up-to-date information, of course. Hell, even if it's not "at times like these", it would be nice. Guess there's no money in it for the stations.

Okay, enough from me. There you have it. Current stats. I'll go return to What Not To Wear and my iced tea.

Posted by Da Goddess at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)

October 28, 2007

I Was Talkin' With A Friend Of Mine

My friend called last night to check in with me. I'd called the other day to find out how she was doing since her boyfriend is a fire fighter and I figured he had been out battling the blazes. Turns out, they'd been in Mexico when all hell broke loose here.

It was the first time he hadn't been on the front line in ages. I was relieved. I mean, I hate thinking of the danger he faces every time he answers the alarm, y'know? And I know his girlfriend worries more. So I called. And all was well.

While there's great relief that loved ones are safe and sound. Still, it's not really over for everyone.

340+ students in our district lost their homes, ten of them from my son's school. I feel for them.

School starts back tomorrow. Despite the week off from school, nobody really feels rested. Crews have been working to clean up the soot and debris. Families have been picking up the pieces. Kids are desperately trying to come to grips with how much their lives have changed.

The fires may be mostly under control, but we'll be feeling this for a long time to come. The current monetary damage total is estimated at $36 million thus far.

Posted by Da Goddess at 09:05 AM | Comments (0)

October 25, 2007

Qualcomm To Cease Sheltering Evacuees Tomorrow

During this afternoon's briefing, Mayor Jerry Sanders announced that Qualcomm Stadium will shut its doors to fire evacuees starting tomorrow. The Red Cross will take the reins and shelter any displaced individuals, although no details were given as to exactly where they will be placed. Newscasters, however, had mentioned earlier in the day that many people are being relocated to the Del Mar Fairgrounds today.

It was reported that less than 1,000 people were still at Qualcomm, but I haven't found any articles online to corroborate this.

Most areas in San Diego county have been reopened to those who were evacuated over the last few days. Fires are still burning, but the majority are burning undeveloped land at last report.

Posted by Da Goddess at 04:09 PM | Comments (0)

Two Bodies Found Burned In Poway Home

The death toll from fires is rising.

From CNN:

Fire crews found two bodies inside a home in Poway, one of the communities hit hardest by the fires, the San Diego County Sheriff's Department said. (I can't emphasize enough how important it is to evacuate when you're told it's time to leave. These deaths shouldn't have happened.)

They are only the second and third bodies found in a burned home so far -- the first was a Navy civilian engineer who died at his home in Tecate Sunday.

Seven other deaths are labeled fire-related: Three people died during evacuations, and four others died after being evacuated. Seventy-eight people, including at least 36 firefighters, have been injured.

Other sources list the fire-related deaths to be at 8 and fire fighters injured as at least 39.

Other numbers:

San Diego County:
Witch Fire – 197,990 acres – 20% contained
Harris Fire – 81,100 acres – 10% contained
Poomacha Fire – 35,000 acres – 20% contained
Rice Fire – 9,000 acres – 30% contained
Horno/Ammo Fire – 10,000 acres – 40-50% contained
Wilcox Fire – 100 acres – 100% contained
Cajon Fire – 250 acres – 100% contained
McCoy Fire – 300 acres – 100% contained
Coronado Hills Fire – 300 acres – 100% contained

Posted by Da Goddess at 02:45 PM | Comments (0)

A Peek At Rancho Bernardo

Driving up the 15 freeway on an urgent errand, we passed by the backside of the development where I used to live. This is just a little hint of the devastation in Rancho Bernardo. In fact, I'd call this the least of the damage.

We watched helicopters making their water drops and saw one land out at Kit Carson Park. Huge dust cloud from the landing was actually rather fascinating. Later, on the way back, more helicopters were diving in and out of smoke and dumping water on the other side of the freeway.

The crews out fighting the fires are nothing short of heroes. God bless them all.

Posted