May 09, 2008
About That Dummy
I thought he should be dressed in Coco's finest so we could call him a dumbwaiter.
...
Yeah, that's what everyone else said.
Posted by Da Goddess at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)
April 27, 2008
I May Be Fat, But I'm No Dummy
Beryl is a lot like many women, a little extra weight, a good head on her shoulders she's lost her head to some man, and she's reasonably priced ($200 + a 20% discount if ordered before May 25 and if you know the secret handshake). Measurements are: 41/33/44.
No, I haven't gone crazy. Well, not when it comes to this. Mannequin Madness is having a sale and I was surprised to find a few plus size mannequins in the mix. Beryl is just the first.
Now, let's meet Emme, shall we?
Poor girl, she has a bum rod. At least that's what her description says: "This plus sized mannequin is sexy and voluptuous so we named her after the first (and only) real-life Supermodel that was a plus size - Emme. Emme's measurements are 40.5/34.5/45. She comes on a glass base with a bum rod." Emme sells for $200 plus that discount mentioned above.
Keep those measurements in mind, will you, as we call our last model to the stage. Clara, welcome to Fantasy Island! (Smiles, everyone, smiles! or I take de plane away)
Clara is approximately a size 18/20 and her measurements are 37/32/43. Not bad at all, right? So why does she look so very different from the other two? It's not just that she has a head. Nor is it that she's "bigger" -- she's not. It's that little pooch of a tummy and her big hips that make her uniquely adorable to me. The description for her reads: "Sexy is not limited to a dress size, and this plus size mannequin holds her own among the petite mannequins in our warehouse. She features a unique bob hairstyle and shoes that are molded on her feet. She comes with a metal stand that goes in her foot. Clara (also known as Birdie) is from the 'Shapes' collection created by illustrator Reuben Toledo for Ralph Pucci." She's going for $240 + the discount.
Go back and read the beginning of that quote for Clara again. "Sexy is not limited to a dress size." How wonderfully true that is! And if you've been paying attention at all, the new Jenny Craig commercials have been saying the same thing. Yeah, a weight loss program saying it's not all about "size". But if you listen carefully, you'll hear Valerie Bertinelli and Queen Latifa both saying things along the lines of "I'm a size healthy". There's no number attached to their size. And that's refreshing.
Maybe I've been listening to Stacy and Clinton from What Not To Wear for too long, or maybe it's because they're saying what I've been saying for a long time. I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. Life isn't all about the number on the tag on your clothing. It's about how you feel in your clothes. Or out of them. It's your headspace that determines who you are and how you feel about yourself.
As "invisible" as larger sized women are in the fashion world, it's so damn nice to see us represented at Mannequin Madness, on TV, and everywhere. We want to look good just like those size 0 gals. We just need a little more fabric and someone who knows how to make us look like something more than tent wearin' broads.
Yeah, there's a story behind this. I'll have to tell you about it sometime.
Posted by Da Goddess at 07:14 AM | Comments (2)
April 23, 2008
Boom De Yada
Dear Discovery Channel, er, Network,
Thank you for your great new commercial. You know, the one featuring Bear Grylls, Mike Rowe, Jamie and Adam, an egyptianologist, and a cast of many others singing the praises of our amazing world. It's no "Ahh, the Atmosphere", but it's pretty damn cool.
Imagine my surprise and delight to find a second, longer version on YouTube. (See both below*)
Discovery, A&E, and Bravo have saved my sanity, such as it is, during my confinement. Tonight's episode of Mythbusters hit close to home. They did a segment on cabin fever. Yes, that's the sound of bells ringing for them knowing exactly what I've been going through cooped up here.
Last night, of course, was Deadliest Catch. Sigh. I love the raw energy of the show. It's the real man vs. wild (no offense, Bear) aspect that keeps me on the edge of my seat and wishing each episode had an extra hour or two every week. The captains, the crews, the weather, and even the crab fascinate me. Crab fishing is brutally hard, requires a fiercely independent spirit (and some would say a death wish), and again, there's that epic battle between the adventurous men and often unruly Mother Nature. It's the best kind of reality television -- little artifice, some selective editing, and yet, it's the real lives of real men and even some women. Take that, Big Brother.
I should point out that as big a fan as I am of Captains Sig Hansen, Johnathan Hillstrand, Phil Harris, and all the rest (though in no way of less importance -- it's the meds, guys, my apologies), you will not find me on message boards discussing them, their lives, writing fan fiction, or scheming of ways to someday meet them. I leave that to the rest of their very weird, rabid fanbase. Although, I do admit that the new book from the Hillstrands looks pretty damn interesting. Anyhow, should I ever decide I really did want to meet any of them, I'd do it for portrait sessions and a subsequent book of essays on the men and their lives, natch.
After countless hours spent medicated and bored, I looked forward to evening TV. I've already seen every episode of JAG, Nash Bridges, Golden Girls, and The Nanny. The only upside to daytime is catching up on Matlock. I never watched it while it was in first run, so it's new to me now. Give me prime time TV anytime and I'm much happier.
I'm tapering off my Flexeril, Vicodin, and Tylenol with high hopes of being med-free by the weekend. I have yet to see my darling son since before he left on his trip. I'm taking baby steps forward, folks.
For now, I must return to Discover the world from my living room sofa. (Thanks to the roomie, it's actually more easily visible with an early birthday gift.)
Signed,
Your Semi-Medicated Cabin Fever Goddess
* Take your pick (I love them both)
Shorter version (the one with which I've become most familiar):
Longer version:
My favorite Discovery.com commercial ever:
Don't miss out on Fellow Partially Eaten Fish and Hello Mosquito
Posted by Da Goddess at 10:35 PM | Comments (2)
April 01, 2008
Sabrina, the Middle-Aged Witch
I'm changing my name and adopting a whole new life. Deal with it. I had to. Especially after an unexpected name change happened without my consent.
I'll no longer be Da Goddess. Just call me Sabrina.
That's all you need to know. Now say hello to my flying musical (natch) monkeys.
Posted by Da Goddess at 08:06 PM | Comments (0)
March 30, 2008
Undeniably Mine
Posted by Da Goddess at 10:06 PM | Comments (6)
February 23, 2008
The Dude Abides
Not Little Dude. Sure, he does, but I mean that other Dude. As in the Lebowski one.
From Oliver Benjamin, random Lebowski haiku:
Milk in the toiletNo one fucks with the Jesus
Where do I fit in?
Works for me.
P.S. I got 18/20 on the Lebowski quiz. Too many white russians or something.
Posted by Da Goddess at 06:30 PM | Comments (0)
February 19, 2008
Conservative Number
I could totally take on more. They just didn't ask the right questions. Remember, I used to be a pediatrics nurse and that taught me mad child fighting skillz.
Posted by Da Goddess at 01:03 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2008
Fat. Naked. Dangerous.
Yes, as a matter of fact I am. So what?
Posted by Da Goddess at 02:22 PM | Comments (6)
February 01, 2008
Coinky-dink?
First episode of Nash Bridges of the day and one of the guest stars is Pauly Shore. Today's Pauly's 40th birthday. Coincidence?
I wonder what kind of party he'll have. He's in Vegas, that much I know.
Speaking of birthdays and parties and such, I know it's super early (3 1/2 months early), but I've already been told to expect something special for my birthday this year. The cool thing is I get to share this specialness with friends, especially Mrs. Mikey (who happens to be my bday twin). As more details come in, interested local parties are more than welcome to inquire about joining in the fun.
Until then, we'll just have to ponder Pauly's plans and wish him well.
Posted by Da Goddess at 07:11 AM | Comments (0)
January 09, 2008
Maybe It's The Fever Talking
But...
I am officially declaring the following things are no longer cool or interesting (as if some ever were):
- Tramp stamps, or as Barney said on How I Met Your Mother: "You know, a ho tag. Ass Antlers. A Panama City license plate." Seriously, if you're going to get a tattoo, pick a different location and a more interesting design than the typical angel wings, butterfly, fairy, etc. We're through with looking at lower backs and cookie cutter images. Quit insulting tattoo artists with your lack of imagination and us with your need to say you like to do it doggy style.
- Paris, Britney, Lindsay, J-Lo, Brangelina, Tom, and every other overexposed attention whore. In order to get more press, they've resorted to sex tapes, psychotic breaks, foreign adoption, and acting as spokesmodels for high priced cults. They're done. DONE, I say. D.O.N.E. We don't care, so quit with the media coverage.
- Wrestling. Enough already! The staged antics and pseudo drama of wrestling is so over the top it practically screams "watch me or I'll body slam ya". No longer is it good vs. evil, but bad guy against even badder guy. Each year, the shows ramp up the stunts to the point where you're no longer watching guys (and gals) in spandex, but a three ring circus act, occasionally with explosions and sex scenes. Huh? Yeah. I don't watch it, I just read about the stupidity. Whatever happened to the good old days of Gorilla Monsoon, Ox Baker, Chief Jay Strongbow, and countless others? You know, the days before steroids and multiple camera. There was a certain artistry to what old school wrestlers did (yes, I know this because my "adopted" uncle's father was a wrestler and boxer long, long ago and I used to comb through scrapbooks filled with articles and photos). Now it's muscle-bound thugs prancing about, posturing, and attempting to prove what bad asses they are. No more. No thanks. Buh-bye!
- Network programming execs with their heads up their butts. These ass clowns don't seem to understand a couple of simple concepts. 1) We can't watch every show on TV -- try as we might -- and are constantly forced to abandoned much beloved shows because the executards have decided to take on a juggernaut in certain time slots. Why do they think so many viewers end up watching episodes online? 2) We resent them messing with our viewing habits. 3) Ratings will continue to decline because we'll refuse to play their games.
- Copycat Programs. Mythbusters rocks, Smash Lab mocks. That's but one example of what I mean. While I appreciate the whole idea of making science exciting (hey, I like seeing my son trying to think a few steps ahead and predicting outcomes -- that's what science is all about), Smash Lab comes across as a poorly executed clone with more explosions. Mythbusters has the 4:1 male/female personality ratio and Smash Lab went 3:1. It's true that our favorite myth busters can tackle just so much, but c'mon, Discovery, surely you could have tried a little harder! I could offer up another dozen shows to gripe about, but that would take ages.
- Nick@Nite. The Fresh Prince has gone stale. It seems as though we have had night after night of "blocks" and marathons of Will and the gang. We know every episode by heart. Can we please have a little variety? Wait, we're not asking, we're demanding! We want something else. I'll even take more episodes of the Jeff Foxworthy Show to escape from this hell. Or better still, if I want to watch a rapper on the telly, I'll check out Snoop Dogg's Father Hood, fo' shizzle. But seriously, we really don't need more than two episodes of any show in a single night except on special occasions. Bring back Newhart, Mad About You, Designing Women, Car 54 Where Are You?, My Mother The Car...anything.
- Scientology. Not even considered a "religion" in most countries, Scientology is nothing more than a cult for everyone who lost faith in JZ Knight and Ramtha. Don't remember that? It's okay. I don't think Linda Evans does either. Back to Scientology though. A creation of a sci-fi writer. Aliens. Levels. Psychiatry bad, invisible braces for adults good. As if outward appearance is all that really matters. My own child called it utter stupidity. Nuff said.
- "Open the eyes of my heart" again and I'll throw up. Please, dear God, call upon Your contemporary Christian composers to write new songs and let's do away with all these commercials advertising the same old songs over and over and over and over and over and over again. "I could sing of Your love forever" myself, but 1) You'd lose followers and 2) it's been done to death. Let's put all these songs on the cross and move on.
- Speaking of music, let's do away with all the breathy ingenues, plastic pop princesses, and hackneyed wannabes. As well, let's ditch the crappy compilations, especially those with songs reworked so they're kid-friendly. Our children deserve better.
- Oprah. Anything Oprah-related.
- The flu. I'm already sick of it. Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha heh...he...[insert death rattle here]
I'm obviously much sicker than I anticipated. Or perhaps it's more like illness brings out my true nature. Whatever. I'm going to ask Granny for some of her tonic while Jed and Jethro are off hunting for possum.
Posted by Da Goddess at 01:45 AM | Comments (4)
September 17, 2007
What the Hell Were They Thinking?
There are times when you see products available to the general public that you have to wonder if they're bad jokes or if someone was genuinely serious when they came up with the idea. Either way, you have to question the judgment of the decision to put these things on the market.
Example? You want an example? Sure. I can do that.
From one of my favorite candy companies in the world -- Tootsie Roll:
Mind you, these items are listed as "Junior Boys Briefs". Who the hell thought this up? Does Tootsie Roll have the leader of NAMBLA working for them, or what?
As sick and demented as I am, and as much as I like candy, these items would NEVER be allowed to touch my son's skin.
On the other hand, I do happen to like the following item. In fact, I'd like to meet someone who matches that very description. I am so shallow anymore.
(Pssst...anyone interested in applying for the position suggested by this last image should apply here -- serious inquiries only *tic*)
Posted by Da Goddess at 01:13 AM | Comments (1)
May 10, 2007
Wishful Thinking
If I could have just one thing (not money or anything truly enriching, practical, and certainly nothing ESSENTIAL)...say something TV-related...I'd pick a clip of this week's opening of Boston Legal "Guantanamo By The Bay".
Absurdly wonderful is all I can say. Jerry "Hands" Espenson performing the "happy song" in his head for Shirley gave me the biggest laugh I've had in ages. Two days later and I'm still giggling.
Go figure.
Bow-bowm...bow-bow-bow-bowm...
Posted by Da Goddess at 06:18 AM | Comments (0)
May 08, 2007
Not Dead Yet
Despite rumors to the contrary, I'm not dead yet. Not even near-mortally wounded, if you must know. However, health, family, and other loved ones' concerns have trumped blogging.
Some of the more high profile loved ones have had big things happening in their lives. Anna Nicole died. Paris-ite got in trouble with the law...AGAIN. And my time with Brit at Promises brought us even closer together. Sure, I was only there for my addiction to Canasta and reality TV, but an addict is an addict is an addict. We totally bonded, y'know?
Of course, now that 'site is heading to prison, I'm stuck without a place to live and need to 1) find a new place, and 2) get moved in by the 21st. Yeah yeah...the hotel heiress needs a few days alone before she goes to the slammer. Can't move in with Brit cuz of her new honey and all. I'm hoping I can work with some of my connections and get myself into a Kato/Juice situation, but then again, that didn't turn out so well, did it?
Been working with an attorney on the injury stuff. Good and bad news on that front. I won't bore you with the details. The hospital is attempting to find me some sort of job I can perform with my physical limitations as I'm not able to return to the unit I was on before I got hurt. Patient and personal safety are of the utmost importance. Sadly, I don't think there will be anything that will make use of my mad napping and hobbling skillz, but we'll see. They've mentioned "scheduling" as an option and I swear I think the poor computer will never recover from the copious amounts of cranberry juice spewing from my mouth when they said it.
If nothing else, I'm a very practical person. I KNOW I'll have to make many adjustments to accommodate my limitations, but taking me out of nursing completely and giving me a job that leaves my very expensive nursing education sitting on a shelf is just not the answer.
As you can clearly see, my hurdles are nothing compared to those of my close and personal friends in La La Land. Course, if my soon-to-be-a-jailbird pal had any sense in that pea-sized brain of hers, she'd hire me to house and pet sit for the duration of her incarceration. But that's the thing about celebs...they're so not concerned with my needs. They really only like me for my beauty and connections.
Oh well, since none of them care about my impending homelessness, I'll just go OD on some of the opilio the guys from Deadliest Catch sent me. I'm horribly allergic, so that should buy me some time in the hospital. Three squares, a roof, and a call button. Doesn't sound all that bad to me.
Posted by Da Goddess at 01:14 AM | Comments (9)
October 30, 2006
The Wonder of Jack Nicholson
With nothing to do while convalescing through my cold and back problems, I've spent a ridiculous amount of time watching TV. Yesterday was odd, to say the least.
I went from watching part of The Shining (before falling asleep again) to watching an episode of the The Andy Griffith Show. One episode of TAGS had a guest appearance by none other than Jack Nicholson. Seriously. It was entitled "Opie Finds A Baby".
The Jack of The Shining against the Jack from TAGS made for some really odd dreams, natch.
Other notes: I don't know how many of you saw The Shining, but I remember it as one of the better psychological thrillers of its time. Having read the book, I knew what to expect. I knew there'd be enough jump-inducing moments to keep me latched on to a date's arm. But I wasn't prepared for the scariest aspect of all: Shelley Duvall. She has always creeped me out. Yet, Jack set the bar incredibly high for any would-be arched eyebrow everyman monsters in the future.
My bad...I missed another Nicholson episode of The Andy Griffith Show: "Aunt Bee, the Juror," in which Jack plays a man accused of stealing a TV set.
Posted by Da Goddess at 05:29 AM | Comments (1)
October 25, 2006
Matilda the Hun
I guess it was the fever, or perhaps the repeats of Roseanne while I couldn't sleep, but I got to thinking about some of the people I met when I worked retail many years ago. One of the most memorable of those folks was none other than Matilda the Hun aka Queen Kong.
For the uninitiated, Matilda the Hun (which is how she introduced herself to me) wrestled for the Glorious Women of Wrestling (G.L.O.W.). Now, I've never been a fan of wrestling, but I was absolutely fascinated by this redheaded Amazon in the brightly colored tights who stood before me. Yes, she shopped in "uniform".
It was sheer luck that I was manning the register that day. I was supposed to be at lunch, but one of my cashiers had snuck out early, along with half the sales staff. It didn't much matter to me. It was a quiet day and I was caught up on credit application processing, account reconciliations, and all the other managerial tasks I had each day.
So, there I was, standing at the register and organizing the work area when Matilda the Hun arrived. She had a small group of people with her (it was the 80s and the height of wrestling excitement) and made her way through the store. When she finished selecting her merchandise, the group approached me. Since we were basically the only people in the store, we had plenty of time to talk. And talk we did. I still remember her laughter and the way her hair caught the sunlight through the windows at the front of the store. Red hair does that, you know.
Anyhow, there's a small snapshot of my past life. And for the record, Matilda aka Queen Kong was never on Roseanne. That was Dot Jones as The Black Widow. Again, it's probably the fever making these weird connections, but they make sense to me.
And, yes, I know...she's also well-known in fetish circles as Queen Adrena.
Posted by Da Goddess at 04:38 AM | Comments (0)
October 09, 2006
Happy Leif Erikson Day!
Ericson, Ericsson, Eiriksson, however you spell it.
I almost wished everyone a happy Leif Garrett day, but realized a full day celebrating the life of a teen idol from the 70s was rather silly, and would have been much easier than figuring out WHICH spelling is the proper one (every site or resource gives a different opinion and all claim to be right). Of course, it wouldn't be all that silly if we were talking about David Cassidy, but that's another story completely.
Anyway, you can thank Lydon B. Johnson for declaring Oct. 9 Leif Erikson Day back in 1964. Apparently, Johnson thought the first European to set recorded foot on North American land (after Bjarni Herjólfsson, that is) was worth noting.
Posted by Da Goddess at 05:14 PM | Comments (1)
August 24, 2006
What Is It?
Posted by Da Goddess at 03:03 AM | Comments (14)
April 04, 2006
Sure, I'm Late to the Party, But I'm Here, Right?
From my illustrious leader over at BC:
This coming Wednesday at 2 minutes and 3 seconds after 1 in the morning, it will be:
This will never occur again in our lifetime.
I'm sure everyone's already blogged it but it's freakin' news to me.
Posted by Da Goddess at 09:29 AM | Comments (6)
October 24, 2005
I Don't Make These Things Up
I don't make these things up, I just report them. This sign is the real deal. Between Las Vegas and Los Angeles, drivers see billboards advertising the Mad Greek and Bun Boy restaurants.
Somehow, I don't think a whole lot of thought went into the combination. Or maybe a LOT of thought actually did. Either way, I got a big giggle out of the whole thing.
Posted by Da Goddess at 02:19 AM | Comments (3)
July 15, 2005
Oh, The Things I'll Do For Attention
| You Are 89% American |
 |
Shamelessly stolen from Kit - thanks for the chat!
Posted by Da Goddess at 11:26 PM | Comments (5)
July 09, 2005
Almost As Much Fun As Shooting Kittens From A Cannon....Almost
Keep your eye on the wind speed, direction, and of course, the penguin
Posted by Da Goddess at 12:57 AM | Comments (2)
July 08, 2005
Music
I need to take piano lessons.
Posted by Da Goddess at 09:01 PM | Comments (0)
March 25, 2005
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Anyone good with lyrics?
"The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free"
Do you know the name of the song? The play?
By the way, I was born on a Wednesday. Wednesday is fish sticks, green lime jello for dessert.
Posted by Da Goddess at 08:11 PM | Comments (11)